Just a few thoughts on this past year, and the year to come, both from a personal and business perspective.
Business
Spent a lot of time reading up on stuff, listening to podcasts, reading books. But there not much of a focus. Just more ideas piling up ontop of each other.
Also spent a lot of time soul searching for my business aims and goals. I had a review in march, and I made many notes in Evernote. All towards the same thing. Many ideas but still no real comncept of where I’m going with my writing or my business.
I had some ideas, life coaching for the anxious, a mentoring scheme, workshops, seminars, but nothing definite.
I’m still full of doubt.
Some good stuff. I have started using checklists, to formalise workflow. I created far more posts than I thought I would have (40), even though I didn’t live up to the goals I set last year.
Loads of advice I have come across. But as is often the case it’s for blogs/businesses that are more successful than mine. As usual, I get swamped in ideas, and never do most of them. It’s an information overload.
I wasn’t consistent with my posting schedule, it changed over the year. Need to work on that. Also need to think ahead more and plan what I’m going to say.
I want to focus better within my business. Aim at getting more subscribers.
Personal
So far the changes that have happened have been mostly internal. That’s why I have so many ideas on what to write for my business.
I had far less interest in playing games. No real passion for it. This is a surprise because it’s the first time in my life I don’t want to play such games. They have been such a big part of my life. My mind still tries to engage me in such diversion, but my heart’s not in it. Perhaps if I had better experiences, playing alongside friends I would enjoy it more.
I still searching for a doctrine, a lifestyle that suits me. I feel stuck in where I am. Work bores me, and I often feel I need to escape it and do some more writing.
Didn’t go to yoga enough, I planned to but it never worked out. Changes to my climbing meetups didn’t make much difference.
The SASH group in London was a big highlight of the year. Made many new acquaintances. Didn’t see much of them after it finished. Kind of worried the momentum has been lost.
The biggest change has been the success of my Meetup group. After eight month this year it took off. I still feel out of place as the leader, the person responsible for creating the meets, and I often feel I’m no doing enough for the group members. Most of which I have never met.
In therapy things have come to an impasse. I have grown to the point where I want things Jo can’t give me. I just go to see her now for a place to express myself, and for touch.
But “It’s not enough”, the theme of this year. My passion doesn’t really have an outlet right now. There’s some in my writing but is still not enough.
Started to focus less on podcasts and articles about knowledge, life, personal growth, and more on dating, relationships.
The better understanding of my own sensitivity, which is higher than I thought. Several moments where I was traumatised by an experience. Needed time to recover. Must appreciate this side of me more and care for it a little better.
A new Chapter
After six years of such change, I feel I’m moving into a new chapter in my life.
The first chapter was about liberty and awakening. Using philosophy, psychology in order to discover the truth, find self-esteem, free myself from the past and from authority. As well as rediscover my passions for life, creativity and so on.
It was about getting out from under the cloud of low self-esteem and shame that I grew up with. I no longer feel worthless. I’m just starting to feel my power.
The transformation I have been through in part comes by using knowledge to dispel ignorance. Dispelling myths is liberating. You no longer feel like your uniquely flawed or weak, unworthy.
The only thing that’s holding me back is I have yet to develop a social circle. The fears that threaten change now are the universal ones we all have.
Reading books is still useful. As a quick easy way to overcoming ignorance and getting rid of illusions. Why reinvent the wheel. If someone had been down this road before your seeking their advice is a shortcut to success.
But this year I want to do more and read less. Meeting new people. The Meetup I run is now bearing fruit. I have some people who struggle just like I do.
The problem now is I feel stuck. Have done for some time. I have given up in many illusions that have kept me small. I see a brighter future.
I’m now caught between the future and the past. My frustration levels are high, as is my impatience.
Now it’s the fear that I don’t have enough courage to change. That I don’t have what it takes. The fear of being stuck in mediocrity.
I’m stuck between two worlds.
The darkness of the past and the bright horizon in front of me.
I see possibilities but the legacy of the past still clings on.
Sure I could turn back. Give up on my dreams and spend my life in banal entertainments and distraction. Remaining lonely. But I can’t do that. I world never forgive myself.
This reveals my greatest fear. That I’m not good enough. I’m not determined, insightful, creative, focused, courageous enough to get myself out if this predicament.
That I’ll be condemned to dream my dreams and never realise them.
Tormented like Tantalus in Hades. Forever reaching for the fruit and the water but always to far away.
2016
This year I want to be more about external change.
My goal next year us to date, to find new friends, To have fun and develop more connections.
Dating, and intimacy are my greatest fears. I’m afraid because I know how sensitive I can be.
Afraid because of what’s happens in the past. My failures. That’s not something I’m looking forward to.
It’s the feelings of rejection, of shame, worthlessness. The hurt, replaying the moments again and again.
That’s also what I fear. Perhaps even more than the encounters I will face.
Now things are changing.
I don’t want to spend so much time reading. Nor do I have much desire to spend time playing games.
I want to focus on more on action. Dating, intimacy, Relationships and travel
New adventures. Less theory more experience. My dating research is a case in point.
I feel the need, and the desire to get out there and live life. Not just accumulate ideas and theories as I have so far.
Now I want to use what I have learned.
This is not to say I’ll stop learning and reading. Illusions of fear and doubt must constantly be challenged. Introspection is still necessary, and I’ll need to do research for my writing.
My Meetup, climbing, holidays, my blog, yoga, are all expression of action.
It’s time to take it up a notch.
More holidays, abroad perhaps. Learn a language, krav maga. Dancing, fetish life, parties even. Back to yoga, eating better, cooking, continue to refine my writing skills, drawing, painting, or graphic design.
No longer am I content to stay at home and game or read. I’ve spent far too long doing that.
Living is not just the achievement of goals, but the alignment of your life with your values.
So for 2016 what is going to be the theme, and the values I want to live more of.
The theme for this year is to be Subscribers and Dating. Getting more subscribers onto my blog, and start dating again.
The values I want to live more by this year are:
The ‘Heroic self’.
Finding tests to measure myself against, so I can learn and grow. Pushing out of that comfort zone. It’s what I’ve been reading about a lot. It’s why I like Existentialism. It’s what I feel I need to do. Because for so long I didn’t do this.
Sharing the growth.
The self expression of my passions. Communicating more of the ideas I have created or come across. Offering help and advice when I feel I can. Speaking up more, and less holding back because of fear. Developing relationships with others. Making a difference and helping other grow. Intimacy. Sharing my deeper most fears and hopes with friends and perhaps a partner.
A nurturing environment.
Finding more people who are artists and entrepreneurs, learning from them. Also adjusting my home so that I’m surrounded by inspirational ideas and art I like to look at. Exposing myself to more art, and culture. Also taking care of myself better due to my sensitive self, especially when I do things that are scary.
Turning ‘Professional’.
That is to stop thinking of myself as an amateur writer. Think of myself as a professional and act like one. Focus better and more often on the work. Act like a proper writer would.
To summarise, the past year has felt like coming out from under a dark cloud. New possibilities entice me. The problem now is making changes in my life so I can live that vision of the future that I have.
Bring on 2016.