Loneliness and Anxiety Archives

by Richard on July 28, 2019 Leave a Comment

The Insidious idea of Perfection

One of the most harmful and yet pervasive ideas that seem to occupy our minds and esteem society is the idea of purity or perfection.

We think of a perfect world, a utopia, perfect wisdom, perfect beauty. A perfect circle, perfect life, son, partner etc.

I find it horrifying that so much of what we want and expect has to be perfect.

It’s a wonder we get anything done or are satisfied with anything with this kind of attitude.

If it doesn’t fit into an acceptable image than it has to be wrong and rejected.

Perfection also involves the intolerance for anything impure, imperfect, or different. It’s why such ideas have moved the worst kinds of people in history. Those who seek to change the world in blood, because they have some twisted ideas on how the world should look, With the idea only violence can bring them about.

Perfection has to be one of the biggest roadblocks in our own lives.

My unhappiness can be traced to many things but one of the biggest is the feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m not perfect. People won’t accept me with my flaws.

Feeling ashamed of looking ridiculous, or that I might fail. I’ve never tried too hard on anything and didn’t live the life I wanted.

Purity is about discarding or suppressing our more negative brutish sides like anger, fear, aggression, jealousy, envy and so on.

It was this idealistic attitude I had to let go of and instead live in the real world, where things are messy, paradoxical, difficult, ugly, painful.

Perfection is such an insidious goal because…

It’s Impossible

The first is that perfection (if you choose to define this way) isn’t achievable. It sets up a futile and desperate struggle towards a destination that we will never reach. Such a struggle means you can’t ever be happy and enjoy yourself. There’s far too much work to do, too much to worry over. Which leads to overwork, stress, burnout and perpetual dissatisfaction, and suffering.

Because failure is no longer an option we worry over starting a project, become paralysed with fear.

It also falls foul of the law of diminishing returns. Above a certain point, the results or output becomes less than the work or input. The closer you get to perfection the more energy and time you have to devote to it. So our work becomes less effective.

Not letting anyone see your mistakes, your failings and your uglier side would take a massive effort on your part. That energy can be put to better use in other ways.

Shame

A big part of our relationship with perfection has to do with shame.

Shame is the feeling we’re unworthy, a more long-lasting emotion. Compared to guilt that’s more temporary and specific to behaviour.

Being impure promotes the feelings of shame that can lead us to feel unworthiness and despair. The thought that we’re not good enough and never will be. Along with the fear at what others might think if they ever found out the truth about us.

Shame is splitting ourselves down the middle into what’s acceptable and not.

This division comes about because we don’t trust ourselves to act well most of the time. So we go a self-improvement drive to make it more ourselves more presentable, suppressing parts of us we feel ashamed of (what Jung called our Shadow self ).

We essentially go to war against ourselves, with victory being the purity of being all good and no bad.

What an awful state of affairs. A house divided against itself cannot stand.

Such feelings could drive some to suicide and it contributes to the massive mental health issues we have.

What’s wrong with me? Is the cry we hear inside when we are rejected.

At it’s worst we cut ourselves, metaphorically. We cut our soul/psyche.

We carve out our identity with the painful tool of others. It’s taking the barbs, the blades and weapons other people use to hurt us and turning them upon ourselves.

Scar by scar, the wrongs, the mistakes and failures become etched into us. Nothing but a wretched being unworthy of love and care.

This outlook tends to compel us to remain alone. This further compounds the problem because now there is evidence to back it up. People are not talking to you.

So it becomes a downward spiral. Despair feeding more despair. Just the flicker of hope is left.

This negative spiral takes place because of a toxic notion of purity. It creates suffering but also fails to acknowledge that reality is messy, that people can be idiotic, cruel and unkind.

Also, it’s based upon a dubious asset of definitions.

We say that anger is a negative emotion. But that’s simplistic because getting angry can be a good thing. We get angry at perceived injustice. It gives us the motivation to fight against.

Our so-called flaws aren’t flaws but characteristics. Traits that can be useful or dangerous.

Nature

Evolution doesn’t operate on perfection either. In a changing world, you can’t be perfect. In biology when a cell divides into two the genome is replicated. However this process is not perfect, errors are made and mutated genes are created. Some of the mutations are beneficial, others are harmful, the rest provide no net gain or impediment. Without such ‘mistakes’ evolution, change would not be possible,

A perfect copy is a clone, But such copies would leave the humans race vulnerable to disease. Adaptation would no longer be possible if we cloned ourselves.

Perfection is turning away from the harsh reality that life and the world are not simple, easy, clear, pure, or clean.

The truth is people can’t be split down the middle, simplified, leaving only the ‘sugar and spice and all things nice’ part.

It’s like a personal form of gentrification getting rid of the ugliness. But it leaves us feeling like a fake. As if we’re wearing a mask that’s always in danger of slipping.

It’s from a toxic society that we have this idea of perfection. To find our happiness we have to let go of the idea of perfection and purity and the idea that our society is always there to help us.

Denying what exists is illogical and it doesn’t work. The road to happiness is based upon acceptance. We must deal with reality in all its messy complexity, including the parts we don’t like. To know and take back the dark side of our characters.

It’s a difficult but liberating process along the road to address our suffering.

by Richard on May 26, 2019 Leave a Comment

Anxiety, self-esteem and Introversion

Part of the reason why I suffered when I was young was that I had such low self-worth. I felt there was something wrong with me.

‘I just wasn’t good with people.’

‘No-one wants to be with me or talk to me.’

That’s how I thought of myself. The extroverts, they’re the ones with the people skills and the desire to talk a lot.

I wasn’t one of them. So I assumed that staying away from people was the best way to protect myself from the scrutiny and scorn of others.

It helped with my stress levels, but looking back I’m not sure that strategy really helped me find my way in life.

All it did was to cause my growth to stall and left me lonely and depressed.

However, in my quest to get better, I have read some books on introversion. They helped me see that being an introvert is not the flaw I once thought it was.

The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Not a flaw

One was the Introvert Advantage Marti Olsen Laney, another Quiet, the Power Of Introvert by Susan Cain, and The Happy Introvert Elizabeth Wagele.

This post is not to lay out such ideas in detail but the sort of things I learned included:

Introversion is to do with biology and chemistry. It’s the way some individuals have grown through nurture and nature. There’s no reason to think it’s a flaw or a disease.

Love Ideas

To be introvert is to be more interested in ideas.

Unlike extroverts, introverts love ideas and turning them over in their heads. Exploring ideas is why introverts make good philosophers, scientists, artists.

Contribution to the world

introverts have played a massive contribution in the world and they point out those leaders, artist, thinkers, businessmen and women as examples.

Importance of Lifestyle

Accepting what you are is the biggest step towards happiness, and finding a lifestyle that supports your introverted nature is important. This is why the happiest introverts have time set aside for themselves. To do their thinking, their art.

Good at Conversation!

Introverts may be better at the conversation thing then extroverts. Because they listen more deeply and avoid lots of small-talk. Conversing more on issues that are important to themselves and their connections.

Because of this, they can create far deeper bonds with people through Meaningful conversation, than the more superficial extroverts.

More Connection

Some introverts when dealing with the extrovert norm, by hiding away their skills and gifts because they fear the response, of confrontation and conflict.

Instead introverts should be accessible, that is to say, more open. Express our ideas and reconnect with the world around us.

A lot of my anxiety is based upon feeling that I was flawed and had nothing to offer.

Some self-help books on Introversion helped me understand myself better.

They helped me address my low self-esteem by pointing out where I was going wrong. I had a negative view of myself that was unjustified and not based on reality.

To be an introvert and accept it helped me overcome some of the biggest problems in my life.

Such insight and acceptance helped me to focus on developing my skills and live more in accordance with the sort of person I am.

This to me is what personal development books are best at, breaking down falsehoods and lies. Introverts are not ill or flawed but a part of the rich diversity of personalities and people that make up our species.

Not only that but introverts have skills that the world at large needs, which means we can make a valuable contribution.

by Richard on May 17, 2019 Leave a Comment

How to deal with the darkest moments

‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’
Winston Churchill

There are those moments when I’m in a bad way. In those times I notice just how much the negative side of my personality comes out.

Anger
Hatred
Resentment
Despair
Bitterness
Loneliness

Some of these I can’t seem to stop boiling upwards into my thoughts and feelings.

It manifests in the imagery that pops into my mind.

When I get angry I imagine picking a fight, I want to lash out.When I’m depressed I imagine failure and defeat. Here I don’t lash out as much as I mentally curl up, as a mode of self-protection.

I search for the worst humanity has to offer in the news on Youtube. I read the comments to remind me just how awful people can be. I think it’s ‘like seeking like’.

That way I can sit back and feel justified in my hatred or despair etc. (Even though this attitude is a distortion of the reality ).

In these dark moments, it feels so right to hate, despair or be angry. So right that it’s hard to resist, to see beyond it. My world shrinks to become just that negative feeling.

Also, such negative states often leave me tense and tired. Because emotion causes me to go into a fight or protection mode. Which for me is tense muscles, especially in the back and neck.

I have been known to wallow in self-pity during such these moments too and I hate it. ‘Poor me, how wretched my existence!!’. ‘The world is out to get me’. It’s like I chew over my own vomit.

I used to do this much more than now, but I don’t want to anymore. It affects my health, it feeds my negative side, it dis-empowers me and makes me turn away from life. Breaking out of this mindset is difficult, I’m often not aware of doing it.

I can’t stop feeling such feelings, but I want to break the habit of just following them, feeding them.

I want newer, better habits. To remind myself that people can be good, the world is beautiful despite all the ugliness, suffering and mendacity.

The point here is that in those dark places we have behavioural habits. Some make the hurt fester like lashing or blaming others.

Other habits help heal the open wounds in our soul.

What I try to do is remind myself of the better things in life. Going outdoors, nature, works of art.Anything that makes me laugh.Inspiring reminders that remind, I do matter. I can make a difference.

I try to avoid self-pity and instead do something. Or I try to remember that others suffering far more than myself, or I remind me myself that one day I will die.

Further still I focus on work. To create, sometimes solely for my own enjoyment, or put out into the world.

Another good habit is to reach out to others, which for me is something I find hard to do.

These healing habits are forgiving, connecting, calming, the opposite of how I feel. They help me let go of pain I feel I need to hold onto.

It’s not about denying such feelings. But rather to stop dwelling on them in a vicious circle that causes real harm to yourself and the people around you. (In Buddhism this cycle of hurt is the meaning of Samsara).

Instead, walk a different circle. Finding hope in hopelessness, compassion in hatred, peace in anger and so transform your mind.

It’s applying an antidote to your suffering, just as you might a bandage to a wound. It’s not a substitute for prevention. But sometimes you just need something to soothe the pain and start the healing process.

Another important point is to choose the right antidotes. Some like drink and drugs may make you feel better in the short term. But you will pay the price of such toxins in the long run.

Instead create some art, or enjoy some. Watch an enjoyable TV or film. Read a book. Go for a walk, or a run. Seek inspiration in literature, history and art. Stories that are uplifting and motivating.

Choose habits that are soothing and transforming.Have these treatments close to hand. The key point is that we all suffer, but we do have a choice about what to do when we are.

Amongst all this is self compassion. Something I find difficult and like society often thought self indulgent.Somehow we got it into our heads that life should be easy. When we encounter difficulty we blame ourselves using a scathing critical voice to motivate us to do better. Such self harm, (and it is self harm), kept me isolated alone and afraid.

But a book, Self Compassion by Kristin Neff helped me to realise just how important such kind self-regard is. The book shows that self-criticism not only doesn’t work, but it can backfire. Preventing growth, connections and fostering anxiety which can sap motivation.

By soothing our agitation and letting ourselves off the hook when we make a mistake we can gather the courage to try again. Knowing that we can accept ourselves as imperfect beings helps us find the courage to keep trying and learn.

Such an attitude fosters humility, kindness, the recognition of shared humanity, and a desire to help others.

We have have such grand expectations for ourselves and when we don’t live up to them we can doubt our worthiness.

Self-compassion is one of the biggest lessons I had to learn and one of the most useful.

It’s not self indulgence or self pity, but the acknowledging a fact. That we are hurting.

Like a wound in your flesh, recognise it, accept it, attend to it. I gradually moved away from feeding my pain to accepting it. Spending time to care for myself.

Self compassion is the recognition of our suffering, our pain, and the application of a soothing balm to help us cope with it.

During those dark times when it all gets too much, when we wonder how we can go on.We can get so caught up in the problems and suffering that we forget ourselves and the vital tranquillity, the potential that still exists within.

We have to remember that there are steps we can take to ameliorate our suffering.By being kinder to ourselves, and acknowledging our pain without running from it.

We accept the truth of our precarious and vulnerable existence, and the suffering it inevitably causes.

The ideas I have come across in my journey have helped me deal with the suffering I’ve had to face. For more on those ideas subscribe to my newsletter

by Richard on March 17, 2019 Leave a Comment

Taking comedy seriously

‘Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our ass’
Michel de Montaigne, ‘De l’experience,’ 1580-88

I recently listened to the audiobooks by Terry Pratchett. The Colour of Magic, Light Fanastic, Small Gods and Pyramids.

I’ve never been interested in this sort of fiction before. What tickled me the most was the absurdity.

Colour of Magic Audiobook Cover — The Colour of Magic, and ‘The Luggage’

There’s ‘The Luggage’, a chest that has its own set of legs and walks by itself. Such an off the wall idea.

Then there’s Two Flower, the Discworlds first tourist who seeks adventure. Who hires the Magician Rincewind to act as a guide.

It’s wonderfully offbeat, surreal, and comical. It so unusual because it takes the more common High Fantasy genre. With his big important events and a serious tone, then pokes fun at it.

This book, Terry Pratchett’s other writings are part of the genre of Comical Fantasy/Low Fantasy genre.

In Comic Fantasy, there are odd characters and gods, unusual worlds and general physics-defying, commonsense-defying weirdness.

As Terry Pratchett said of his work, ‘It was an attempt to do for the classical fantasy universe what Blazing Saddles did for westerns.’

Blazings saddles was the same, a comic send-up of the western genre.
I bring it up because the book reminded me of how I lived in my youth.

Why so Serious

“Smile, because it confuses people. Smile, because it’s easier than explaining what is killing you inside.” ― The Joker – Heath Ledger

The books I read back then were of the High Fantasy type. The Riftwar Saga by Raymond E. Fiest, David Eddings. (In Sci-FI it was Star Wars, Star Trek types of Space opera).

I reread and watched them again recently which make for an interesting contrast with the Colour of Magic.

Take Star Trek, for example, one of my favourites. One of the problems I have with it now is just how utopian it is.

The crewmembers of the Enterprise, DS9, Voyager are all so ‘well adjusted’ and The Federation is the idealistic future we imagine. Sure some characters are misfits, and some turn out to be villains, but that’s very few.

In this type of Sci-Fi and fantasy there’s a clear distinction between the good guys and the bad. The main heroes display all the values and characteristics that we expect from a chivalric hero.

Contrasting these stories with my life and my past comes into focus.

I was so nieve, so serious and so unhappy when I was younger. Serious because I thought that’s what I needed to be like. Just like the heroes in the stories. I suffered from a joy-sucking pensiveness. Because I wanted to be better than average, perfect.

I see now the folly of that attitude.

The role of comedy

‘Their morals, their code; it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. You’ll see- I’ll show you. When the chips are down these, uh, civilized people? They’ll eat each other. See I’m not a monster, I’m just ahead of the curve.’
The Joker – Heath Ledger

My youth wasn’t all serious I admit. I did read and watch comedy. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Red Dwarf etc. The Colour of Magic is the latest.

Thinking back to my youth I do remember seeing Prachetts novels in the bookstore. But my mistake was not to take such stories seriously. Back then they seemed too silly and inconsequential. Therein lies my mistake.

Comedy has a lesson to offer us which we often forget in the struggle to be better and live better.

Looking at my own past I see the need for comedy acting as a counter to the seriousness we need to have. A comic foil to keep us grounded in the reality. It’s why there is the archetype of the Joker. The one who doesn’t take things seriously and helps the hero relax, and have fun. The Joker, the comic helps keep it real. (Think Dory in Finding Nemo)

Rincewind in the Colour of Magic is a coward and a failure as a magician. For how can a coward be a hero? How can fools and cheats be successful?

Comedy is the admission that things aren’t perfect and neither are we.
Another example is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Knights, who are supposed to be exemplars of Knightly virtue. Honourable, self-sacrificing heroes, standing for truth, justice and protecting the weak.

Instead, such ideals are mocked and ridiculed as the knights are revealed to be far less than what they claim.

It’s a commentary on the ideas we have about ourselves. That we are not as good, and noble, altruistic, or compassionate as we like to think we are.

We have lofty aspirations but we often fail to live up to them, sometimes ending up looking like a fool.

It’s in our desperate desire to avoid such failure and indignity, we become so afraid to try new adventures, and so anxious when we do. It can suck the joy out of living. Those types of people are no fun to be around.

Which is why becoming older I’ve learned to appreciate the absurd a little more. The Discworld novels are a reminder of the truth that I keep forgetting.

We need a comedy like this. Films and books, also stand up comedy, sketch shows, theatre. Don’t forget your friends who joke around a lot. Questioning the idea that we’re noble individuals by satirising and parodying the heroes we look towards.

Comedy brings us back to reality. Take us down a peg. It’s relaxing as we belly laugh, and unburden ourselves with the heavy weight of being perfect and successful all the time.

When we’re young we have such high expectations and idealsof ourselves. If we don’t take things with enough sobriety we run the risk of never finding success and happiness at all. At least that’s what we beleive.

We think we have to implausibly brave, overly smart to succeed and never make a mistake or look like a fool. Our fear is never realising our potential, but the result is a Malaise of Over-seriousness. Lacking the vibrancy a zest for life.

I didn’t think or see that imperfection and laughter, especially at myself was the way to find it.

Balance

Joking aside. Despite all this, there’s always the danger of going too far.

Taking nothing seriously and just cynically laughing at each other for their naivety. Society would descend into to superficial nonsense. Deadpool style.
Making comedy and criticism the norm.

If all that’s is left is to make fun of each other, crack jokes then who will take the problem seriously enough to fix it? It’s obvious that either taking it all too seriously or not at all can’t work.

The middle way reveals itself again to be the best path.

We often take ourselves too seriously. It’s the overzealous who become extremists and fundamentalists. They become the hate peddlers and trolls, unwilling to compromise. They are the resentful, embittered and even violent individuals we see on the news.

So wrapped in their own ego, so convinced they are in the right, and so desperate to be taken seriously. It’s a malaise where comedy is the antidote.

Comedy like the Colour of Magic is a reminder that our lives are somewhat farcical. We are absurd creatures, who have fallen for their own lofty ideas.

It’s a the sign of maturity when you temper idealism and noble values with a realism that accepts, alternatives, imperfection, and the absurd.

It’s also partly the joy in seeing how a bunch of misfits, idiots or losers can manage to accomplish anything. (Like the parody of Star Trek, Galaxy Quest). A reminder that success doesn’t require perfection.

Life is tragic and we’re comically inept at it.

Realise that you are not as noble, skilled or infallible as you think you are, and that’s okay.

We all need to see the comical in the world, and in ourselves. Because sometimes the best thing to do is just laugh it off.

by Richard on March 8, 2019 Leave a Comment

Where everybody knows your name

That’s what you get when you walk into the Cheers bar in Boston.

The massively popular TV series I grew up with in the 80s and 90s.

It’s such a desirable place to be, where you know all the people around you, they are your social circle.

In our modern world of online communication having a place like cheers seems even more distant, and therefore more important.

I long to be part of a group like those in Cheers or Friends. So much so it hurts sometimes how lonely I feel.

‘Where everybody knows your name.’

Such a simple phrase, yet it gives so much meaning. This is what we all want. Our lifestyles are such that we fail to place much emphasis on social circle. But we know that our happiness depends on the people we’re surrounded with.

I read somewhere I forget, that familiarity is the basis for friendship. Who you see regularly becomes your social circle. It doesn’t matter so much how well you get on with them. But more how much time you spend with them. It’s called the Familiarity Principle or the Mere Exposure Effect. The more time you spend with something, or someone, the more you like it/them.

This post then is a plea to all of you.

I need to find this! You need to find this!

It can be difficult, there’s so much around us that seems to keep us apart.

There is no debate on this, the science in. But we don’t need science to tell us we need more time with other people.

Cheers and Friends are somewhat idealising friendships but the sentiment is right. The lyrics spell it out.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know, people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Cheers Intro

by Richard on August 26, 2018 Leave a Comment

The Social Anxiety of answering: Who are you and What do you do?

I have felt some social anxiety at describing myself to others. You know how it is, you meet a stranger, online or face to face. The first questions that will get asked are always the same. Who are you/ What do you do?

You know it’s going to happen and our next struggle is to how to answer.

Am I an artist, am I not an artist? It’s a difficult one for me. Am I just a dilettante messing about or do I have a serious intent to be an artist.

Writer? Not a writer? Socially anxious or not? Just recently I had someone contact me about my Social Anxiety Meetup group. He was not sure if he was socially anxious and had doubts about joining.

This highlights our modern age. Things have become so complex that the old labels we use no longer seem to fit. Yet we still try and squeeze ourselves into the definitions we are given or choose for ourselves

Sometimes I get caught up in trying to define myself, so I can use the definition in conversation and still feel I’m being authentic and honest.

Or it’s not trying to define myself then it’s trying to escape a definition I don’t like or has held me back like social anxiety.

We don’t like to admit to definitions that are negative or have a stigma attached.

Our anxiety is about getting our definitions right: We want to know who we are because we want clarity and authenticity. Yet we don’t want these labels to diminish us.

We get caught up in such questions because we have to use definitions, labels when we communicate. Dating profiles, social media, in conversation. Such places are where social anxiety takes place, and one reason is because we’re required to explain who we are.

Another good example are the jobs we have.

If it’s a clearly defined job and we get paid that’s okay. But if it’s a hobby, a side job or self-employed role things can start to get a little messy.

Our work and who we are has become a lot more complex because there are so many ways we can define ourselves and in so many combinations.

It’s a case of language being ruptured by reality. Words are like containers but they have burst because the reality has expanded. One word to describe yourself is no longer enough. Our lives our aspirations can no longer be held by simple definitions.

The map doesn’t equal the terrain. That’s to say reality is far too complex to be fully described by our language.

Yet words are what we use to understand each other and describe reality. We try to pigeon-hole people into definitions, so we use simple labels. Banker, web developer etc.

They aid communication, understanding. But language also fosters miscommunication and confusion. It ignores any complexity or nuance because it’s too difficult or time-consuming to address.

Our definitions will have to expand, or we’ll have to come up with new words to describe ourselves

The old ways of categorising ourselves, and others into roles, professions and identities has now become a problem in the modern age.

Our labels are longer seem enough. It shows that we need to let go of the idea that simple characterisations can define us.

What’s the answer?

One solution is the idea of Slash Careers, an idea by Marci Alboher in her book One Person/Multiple Careers: The Original Guide to the Slash Careers.

Here we define ourselves with more than one job, such as Banker/Artist/Volunteer or Sales coordinator/app developer/writer. (Here’s a Forbes article on the subject as a primer)

Another solution is paradoxically to refocus ourselves on the art of conversation. With such complexity, it means there’s lots to talk about. It invites even demands lengthier, deeper connections to others.

The answer is to spend more time in meaningful dialogue or casual chit-chat. So we can really get to know each other. Social anxiety about our job, our identity can be best addressed by explaining how complex we are.

Conversation is one of the best antidotes to a world far too complex for simple labels, and people far too willing to accept them.

Image Credit: ryanking999 / 123RF Stock Photo