Loneliness and Anxiety Archives – Page 3 of 6

by Richard on January 21, 2018 Leave a Comment

I’ll be there for you… What does it take to have a friend and be one?

I’ll be there for you… That’s the opening for the tv series Friends.

I’ve noticed that they argue and fight, but they are there for each other when things get tough. I remember thinking back in the 90’s when I first watched Friends that this is what I want, even just a little.

It’s still what I want twenty years later. Yet in our modern society loneliness is a big problem, we all need friends, close friends that is.

So what makes a close friend? There are three ingredients sociologists consider necessary for close friendships to develop.

Proximity

This is one of the necessary requirements for friendship. Proximity.

Friends are those people who help you cope, help you unwind and relax.Because knowing that they are there helps you face the world. Being a friend doesn’t mean you have to do anything or say anything. Just being there can be enough.

It can feel so difficult facing the storm alone, I know I have done so for a long time. It was only when I had people I could talk to and share my struggle that I started to feel braver, and take more risks.

I had a safe place, with people I know who would not reject me. That sanctuary is what’s important.

Our modern interconnected world has lead us to quick shallow interactions via text on a screen rather than face to face. Without that fact-to-face contact, we can feel our connections to each other are superficial, tenuous.

This is why we feel so alone, there’s no depth to our connections, it’s all so ethereal.

Regularity

This brings up another aspect of friendship, Regularity.

For your own friends is the familiarity that’s important.

We need regular contact with our friends often, because friendships are about developing relationships, building a connection. It’s a place of growth as you learn more about each other. Such connections take time.

It happens in the TV series Friends. They see each other all the time. (yes it a TV show so we only get to see the times they are). But still seeing your friends often is what makes a friendship because without that contact such relationships wither and die.

Such connections, therefore, need maintenance, knowing what’s going on in each other’s lives. Offering help and support as a reminder to each other that we are there for them.

It’s also important that these interactions are unplanned in that we can see our friends by meeting in the street or sharing a drink in the same places. That is just to ‘hang out’.

Vulnerability

So we have Proximity and Regularity as the basis of a friendship. The third item according to sociologists is there has to be a setting where people’s barriers come down.

Differences don’t matter as much

A further note too. Differences can be the glue. You don’t have to have the same worldview either.We typically think we have to find people who are like ourselves.

Yet disagreements, discussions, even arguments can be the stuff that makes a relationship work.

The French Impressionists are a real-world example. A group of artists including Monet, Renoir, Degas and Sisley. They were very different people yet they regularly spent time together at a cafe to discuss art, politics, culture and more. They bounced ideas off each other and inspired each other.

They often disagreed with each other, sometimes vehemently.

Differences then can be a way of bonding just as much as commonalities.

Because conversation and friendship are as much about discovering differences as it is commonalities.

A debate, even an argument binds people together more than silent agreement.

To be a friend, and to have them means the connection has to be maintained through effort. A casual approach to friends can’t work.

Often though words are not necessary. Sometimes just being there can help. By providing a sense of familiarity.

With happiness so dependant on our social circle, we all need to be there for each other and spend a lot more time on our friendships. Our modern society has provided for a way to keep in touch very easily. Perhaps too easy. Typing out a text message is never going to be equal to seeing them. We need to take friendships far more seriously and give them the time and effort they deserve, in the old school manner of hanging out together.

It’s something I need to work on myself because I want someone to be there for me, so I’ll be there for them.

by Richard on June 25, 2017 Leave a Comment

Is your social anxiety compartmentalized or systemic? (and why)

I have my own social anxiety group on Meetup.com. I started it because there was nothing else in my locale that seemed to cater for anxious neurotic types like myself.

It’s been going for a couple of years now and one thing I have noticed is how different people are who label themselves Socially Anxious.

There are those who turn up and seem to be talkative, open and friendly. So much so that it makes me wonder how socially anxious they can be.

They seem so different from people who like myself are reluctant to talk at all. Those like me who hold themselves back, second guess everything they do and wonder what they look like to others.

It brings home the reality that social anxiety and shyness manifest very differently in people.

Compartmentalised or systemic?

There are those who have it compartmentalised. They have anxiety in certain situations, or it manifests at certain times in their life. Whilst dating, living in a new place or conversation with coworkers. Apart from this issue their lives are normal. They have friends, maybe even a partner.

Their anxiety is contained, temporary localised.

The other types are those like myself. The fear and anxiety has affected their whole life, back even into childhood. This is the systemic pervasive anxiety which is very hard to shake.

I can look back and see how my school life and young adulthood has affected me.

Even today I find it difficult to ‘put myself out there’. I anticipate how difficult it might be and this imagining makes me feel so anxious. It has affected many aspects of my life. From work, to personal relationships including conversation, travelling, meeting new people. Sometimes I can’t face all the newness of it

For me it’s the instinctual feeling that no-one wants to get to know me. As a consequence I don’t have a habit of reaching out to others. Instead I keep to myself, and use distractions to avoid those feelings of loneliness.

This is the true prison we live in. Our own mental framework, our habitual ways of thinking and acting. We see the world in certain ways and think that what we see is accurate.

We are all slaves to our past, and it may not be possible to give up old ideas, old habits completely. But as I have learned in the last few years it is possible to change. To see the world in a different way and to change bad habits for better ones.

What troubles me is how few people seem to understand how much anxiety can affect an individual’s whole existence. I had this from those ‘compartmentalised type anxiety’ sufferers. They fail to grasp how much of a burden anxiety is for some.

Why so sensitive?

The explanation for why some of us are cursed with such systemic anxiety is complex. Involving both nurture and nature.

Our childhood experiences shapes who we are as adults. Abuse, bullying, distant parents, or lack of role models play their part.

Then there’s the nature component.

Some of us, about 15 to 20% are highly sensitive. It’s a genetically based predisposition to notice the world more finely, more detailed, and to feel emotions more deeply.

Elaine Aron in her book The Highly Sensitive Person goes into more depth about this personality trait.

She characterises it further through the D.O.E.S initialism.

D for depth of processing. HSPs use more brain areas when processing sensory information, and compare new experiences to past ones. HSPs are more aware of what’s going inside and outside their bodies.
O for overstimulation. With all this processing going on there comes a time when it begins to wear HSPs out. HSPs can suffer greater with stress. It’s the problem most people see in sensitive people.
E for emotional reactivity, also empathy. HSPs react more strongly with positive and negative experiences than non-HSPs. HSP’s also experience greater brain activity when seeing other people’s facial expressions. HSPs can understand other people’s intentions and feelings to a greater degree.
S for Sensing the Subtle. With such deep processing HSP’s can notice things that a non-HSP would miss. It’s not so much they have better senses as much as they process the information more finely, carefully.

It shows that a lot of our personality, our character is based upon our genetic predisposition. Something we don’t have any control over.

But it would false to say that this trait determines an individual’s personality. You might expect introverts to have this trait, but surprisingly extroverts can also have it.

Born touchy, feely

All this shows that those who are highly sensitive don’t have a choice, we can’t ‘get over it’. It means that we need to spend time taking care of ourselves even if that means disappointing others.

The answer to friends and family not understanding you is not to get angry, though that’s the easy way. But to remember that their empathy is not a prerequisite for your own happiness.

Instead offer compassion for those who don’t understand, and most importantly for yourself.

Let go of your expectations that everyone should understand you and like you.

Also try to educate even if they can’t fully understand.

Moreover one thing I will say is that as a sensitive type we should try to avoid using it a an excuse to not do things. It’s so easy to avoid going out or partying with friends because you dread the overstimulation.

But instead of staying at home all the time, give yourself a time limit of how long you will stay, then make your apologies and leave without shame or guilt.

We must be brave and do those things we know will be difficult for us. But make sure that afterwards we take care of ourselves, and let other people know how important it is for us to-do so.

In so doing we can prevent the anxiety we feel from becoming systemic and and enjoy life more fully as well as deeply.

Being highly sensitive is difficult. Most people are not aware of how it can affect a person’s life. It can be hard to feel the censure of others just because they don’t understand.

So it’s important not to place your own well-being and self esteem on other people’s acceptance.

For more thoughts on sensitivity subscribe to this blog.

Image Credit: sonsedskaya / 123RF Stock Photo

by Richard on September 11, 2016 Leave a Comment

Why social anxiety isn’t just about talking to people

I have a group on Meetup.com about Social anxiety and Personal growth.

It’s called this not just because I wanted to meet other SA sufferers and talk about the problems we face. But also to find ways of overcoming it.

This I feel is an important point to make.

Social anxiety is more than just the physical symptoms and the mental anguish we endure. It’s also the various means by which such suffering is created.

In the struggle to free myself from the grip of this fear and worry, I have picked up ideas from many different subjects. From psychology, to philosophy, nutrition, lifestyle, sociology, and more.

I have found ideas in places that seem to bear little connection to the mental disorder, and others that are more accepted as part of the makeup of the disease.

To give you some idea I’ll go through a few of the topics I’ve looked at that do have some connection to SA.

Biology

An obvious example. What happens in our bodies has an affect on our minds.

Neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, and GABA have been linked to anxiety states. Some of us may be more prone to anxiety than other due to genetic variations.

I also feel blood sugar levels, hormones, inflammation play a role.

This has lead to the development of drugs, herbs, and nutrients that may have an anti-anxiety effects.

Lifestyle and nutrition

With the findings in biology, we now know that how your live your life in the day to day can and does affect your mental health.

The diet you eat affects biological function, influencing your energy levels and mood.

How much stress you are facing has a big effect on anxiety and depression. So what habits you have to relax are crucial. [Exercise for the treatment of depression and anxiety]

Self-care is not something our society encourages yet it’s vitally important to our health.

Culture

Attitudes towards those with mental illness affects those with mental illness. Living in a culture that judges and persecutes those who have such health issues can create further suffering.

It leaves those who will mental illness feeling flawed, worthless. The cultural ideal about men for example discourages them from seeking help.

Another point to make is the definitions and values we hold. What constitutes a mental illness? Because definitions are vague and have been written by commercial forces that want to sell drugs and products. (Shyness post link). I feel a lot of people are falsely diagnosed as having a medical problem, when it’s more a problem medicalising normal feeling that we should have.

Societal

With globalisation, job insecurity, bad news through the ‘world wide web’. It can seem as though we are living in the most unpleasant time in history.

We have worries over our job, income, social isolation, climate change and more.

The way in which countries are run places the primary emphasis on making money. This leads to the population being dehumanized. Individuals are seen as nothing more than cogs in a giant machine. This leaves individuals feeling upset, depressed because their needs as people are not being met by those they work for.

Income Inequality is also a major source of our mental health problems. [Living in poor neighbourhoods is associated with greater levels of depression]

We can feel upset because the values we hold to be important are not held by society at large or the government. We can be made to feel persecuted, with discrimination based upon, race, sexuality, sexual orientation, introversion, sensitivity, disability, religious affiliation or the lack of it, and more.

Spiritual, existential

The values we hold about ourselves and the world. They can come from established religions or more modern ideas about our existential selves.

This can affect our mental health because they can be the same as the values our culture has.

We can often feel as though we can never match up to a standard set by ourselves. Our ideas can be far too idealistic about how we should behave and live. Perfect bodies, perfect minds, perfect souls.

We never seem satisfied by our predicament, so we are constantly striving and searching, worried that we are not doing enough. The fear that someone is doing a better job of living that we are. We yearn for status and significance because we live in a world so vast that our life can be swallowed up so easily that our existence seems to mean nothing at all.

We don’t want to live without the world knowing we exist so our striving becomes a desperate scream to show the world we lived.

Environmental

Our environment has an impact on our minds. Through chemicals in the water, air, soil, such as pollution, industrial and agricultural chemicals like pesticides, herbicides.

But its also the aesthetic aspect of the world around us. We can feel much better looking at a natural scenes that an urbanized ones. [Nature plays a vital role in human health and well-being]

The seasons can affect us with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), happening in the winter months due to lower light levels.

Noisy environments are stressful to us, just as silence can be beneficial.

Environment can cover all the topics above and more. Biochemical, Cultural and society, ideas, familial and friends, professional and work and more.

The reason why I mention all of this is that we have an unfortunate tendency to want the quick fix. We want the pill, the treatment that once taken will make it all go away.

It’s is a consequence of how we live our lives. Our mental processes, behavioural habits, and values, as well as how we see ourselves and our place in this world. Our relationships to our fiends and family.

The cultural and societal milieu. Which It involves public policy of town and city planning, environmental issues and sustainability. Also how society is organised and run through the values and morals we collectively uphold.

Then there’s the unconscionable truth that we will never be of anxiety.

I hope the list above gives some idea of the vast scope of influences that affects our mental health, our levels of success and happiness.

All this I hope puts across the importance of looking outside the narrow realm of medicine. Fixing social anxiety/mental illness is far bigger, and reflects the reality that we are a individual who lives inside a reality. The nature of who we are and how that reality affects us far more important than we think.

As Einstein put it. ‘No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.’

What I’m saying here is look at your social anxiety in broader terms.

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This post then is sort of a plea.

Social anxiety will never go away, but doesn’t have to be a prison.

But you can release its grip upon you, and still live a life that is full of the things that are important you.

But it does require that you stop seeking the simple answers and start to think big about the problem and it’s solution.

If you think anxiety can be solved by just taking pills, a little bit of meditation on and off, or some exercise. Then you are not giving it the respect it deserves. Or giving yourself the respect you deserve. It’s obviously important and so should your health.

We think anxiety shouldn’t be the big issue that it so obviously is. Because of this attitude we tend to downplay our suffering. The result is we don’t take care of ourselves perhaps as well as we should.

The problem I think is we are often not curious enough to find out more for ourselves, and work on ourselves. Self care is seen like self indulgent wishy washy nonsense, but that’s just one of the cultural attitudes I warn about above and we need to forget.

Instead what do we do? We hand over power and responsibility to another and hope they can fix us. Seeking help is one thing but that doesn’t obfuscate our responsibility for ourselves.

We need to spend more time on our own suffering, our needs and purpose by broadening our approach. All that stuff I have hinted at above can help.

For more thoughts on anxiety, health and more subscribe to this blog.

by Richard on August 21, 2016 Leave a Comment

The Malaise of Perfection and Idealism

Why do we suffer? What causes us to doubt and worry, to feel worthless?

There are probably many answers, but one I am certain of is the constant striving towards perfection.

It can apply to our work, physical appearance, our minds, and our lives in general.

We want the perfect body, the perfect soul, mind, house, partner, job and more.

Like many, I have doubts that I will ever be good enough. As a self-made man, a partner, lover, friend, meetup host, etc.

We think that if we get the right job, the right partner, find our purpose, then happiness and success will follow. We want a life that looks good on Facebook, something that others will be impressed by.

It’s as if we think there’s this ‘hole in the universe’ that’s just right for us, and everything will be better once we find it and slot ourselves into it.

But this just leads to the desperate grasping and striving to fit ourselves into that hole.

We are afraid of the uncertainty we face, anxious, about our chances, and we get angry or disillusioned when things don’t work out.

So we choose power, and status and wealth as the aim in an effort to feel safe, yet that’s no guarantee.

Striving for the Ideal is an interesting but hopelessly problematic way to think about our relationship to the world. It leads to a lot of suffering.

Ego centric

It also comes across as self-centred when we think our lives, the cosmos should conform to our ideas.

It suggests the cosmos is in some way designed for us. A modern version of the geocentric notion that the universe revolves around the earth.

Also, it’s based far too much on a sense of entitlement. That somehow we deserve success and fulfilment and the cosmos should provide it.

Where does this perfection idea come from?

Despite our claims to be compassionate and tolerant, it’s in many ways a punitive society we live in.

Undesirables, fringe groups, those with mental illness, LGBT, Goths, immigrants, singles are looked down upon, discriminated against, even persecuted.

It always starts with moralizing, and normative ideas, which leads to and judging, shaming, and prejudice.

The moral judgements and values of society. Parents, peers, siblings, the media, they all shaped the box we are expected to fit into.

Sexual orientation and identity, religious affiliation or (lack of it), wealth & status, beauty, Age, introversion, sex, marital status, ethnicity have all been used as the basis of such behaviour.

This this the basis of our suffering. Not living up to an established standard. It explains why life seems to feel like a desparate hustle for worthiness.

Eastern Viewpoint

By contrast, the far east has a different outlook on the world. Ideas from Buddhism and Taoism understand that the cosmos is not about flawless perfection.

One manifestation is the idea of Wabi-sabi.

This is an artistic, aesthetic appreciation of the imperfect. Where western art is about the flawless beauty of the gods and heroes, like Michaelangelo’s David. Wabi-sabi takes appreciation of a cup or a vase that has been damaged and cracked.

Such imperfection is a reminder that the world is not perfect, that things break and crumble, beauty fades and people die.

To live well in their eyes is to appreciate life with all it’s transient and imperfect nature. To live in the moments we have.

The West, by contrast, has us chasing perfection, and ideal. Our lives have become that frantic chase.

Social Anxiety

Take one example I’m familiar with, In Social Anxiety. It’s the fear of not meeting a social standard.

The fear of failure, or being judged harshly. The fear of not matching up.

Our mind goes into overdrive about what might happen or tries to find a way to make ourselves acceptable.

We are anxious because we have impossible ideas about social adeptness.

Also being a good parent, good friend, good partner, leader and more.

We appear to have an inordinate need to be seen in a favourable light by others. Letting them down, upsetting them, reflects badly upon ourselves.

Anxiety it seems the effort our minds take in trying we are good enough, or the worry that we are not.

Efficiency example

It’s not just impossible goals that are the problem, but it’s also impossibly idealised methods and routes we take to get there.

We think we have to take the straightest, easiest, linear route to the end result.

With all the choices today it’s now become even more difficult to decide what choice to make, and whether or not it’s the best choice.

Doubts will linger about whether we made the right choice, and regrets may form when we later realise we made the wrong one.

The need for things to go smoothly results in the doubts we have when we find ourselves struggling. We doubt our capacity, the choices we made, and our suitability for the task we have set ourselves.

The messy world we live in

Here are a few thoughts on what to-do about that nagging voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough.

The struggle is the path

We don’t realise that struggle, randomness and doubt are part of the process that’s necessary to achieve our goals. Anything that’s worth being built must set itself against the desire for things to remain the same. So a conflict is inevitable.

If we are to create change in the world that lasts we ourselves must change, and that take a lot of courage and because changes hurts, change means giving up on things we think are important.

The struggle, the mistakes are the evidence that you are trying to change. So we must find a way to come to terms with that and keep moving.

World in Flux

What we don’t seem to notice is that the world is constantly changing.

It’s not just changing values, societies and technology, which are visible.

There’s also the invisible changes. You are changing over time, your body but also your mind. Priorities change, wisdom develops, experiences gain, memories list our rewritten.

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man’ – Heraclitus

The idea of perfection requires a world that remains static.

In such a changing world perfection just becomes an idea inside our heads. One that seem to torment us daily.

Subjective judgements

The next obvious problem is, ‘who get to decide what’s perfect?’

We all have ideas about what perfect is but as sociologists and anthropologists point out these ideas are at least to some degree subjective.

It depends on the issue.

Science has given us the ideal waist to hip ratio for women’s attractiveness. But a woman’s attractiveness is not defined just by a metric.

What makes a great piece of art? What’s counts as a perfect friend, a business, partner, or conversation?

No-one seems to know, yet we all have an opinion.

Wake up

‘Stop trying to be the square peg fitting into the round hole’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

It’s time to wake up.

The universe doesn’t have this place marked out for us. The universe is indifferent to our existence. We seem to have become full of our own bloated self-importance when we think that we deserve success, happiness.

Circumstances are changing, the world is in flux. So there can’t be this perfect place, perfect job, partner, or life waiting for us.

We need to get over ourselves and our own elevated self importance.

‘Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first’ – Mark Twain

A Life of choices

‘We don’t find our purpose, our place, we make it’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

Instead of the ideal goal, the ideal path, think of it as creating your life through the choices and decisions you make.

Entrepreneurship, creating art, starting a business, the difference you make in other people’s lives.

Just remember success isn’t out there waiting for you, it’s something you have to create.

Happiness is not a destination; it’s the journey. Purpose is not the destination either, it’s the direction you take.

What’s important is the course you set yourself upon, the work you do to find what you want, and need.

Conclusion

The desire for perfection, both in ourselves and the world is setting ourselves up to fail and to suffer.

Perfectionism is so much a part of our lives, and it manifests most notably as the anxiety and depression we suffer from. The worry that we can’t match up to the ideal way, and the despair we feel when we know we don’t

It comes down to a mismatch between our desires and expectations for a comfortable, successful, happy life, and the reality that neither our existence nor the cosmos are neither perfect and simple.

Forget notions of perfection and embrace mystery and uncertainty.

‘We are not simple shapes in a simple world, but a complex web meshed into a more complex world’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

The idealism we see in ourselves is a reflection of the idealism society.

It’s not that we shouldn’t try to create a better world. We need to remember that perfection is not attainable, and shrug of the inadequacy we feel when we don’t match up.

There comes a point where you realise that you no longer want to try and live up to an impossible ideal. You see that the idea itself didn’t come from you but from the society.

Life is too short to try and live up to other people’s expectations.

When you see that then you start living your own life.

We need to change our society and culture. More acceptance and tolerance. That accounts for the reality of a complex and changing world. With set of values we can all get behind, and allow individuals to live without fear of persecution.

Another lesson here is our attitudes towards others. We should not be so hard on others; quick to judge them. Otherwise, we become a source of anxiety and suffering in others.

If you have any thoughts on your struggle to be perfect, please let me know in the comments section, I would like to hear them.

Image Credit: joingate / 123RF Stock Photo

by Richard on July 12, 2016 2 Comments

Massive Social Anxiety link resource

Social anxiety is a major concern for many people. It can be debilitating and leave you feeling isolated and alone. It can also stop us from achieving our goals and dreams.

Social anxiety can stifle our happiness, stunt our growth and leave us isolated and alone.

Below I have pulled together some of the more interesting, informative or inspiring articles from around the web. I have taken links from a wide variety of sources, including personal blogs, writers, academic papers, the media and artists.

These links are a combination of insights, research, inspirations, and advice to help find success in friendship, work, romance and more

The list is divided into categories to give some sense of order.

Introversion and Sensitivity

Some links on specific traits to do with anxiety, The Highly Sensitive and Introversion.

High Sensitivity

To be Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is to have an innate trait of processing sensory information more readily, and to a greater degree. It can manifest as being more sensitive to the environment, like noises, smells, and sights. Sensitive types can be easily startled or upset. According to Elaine Aron HSPs comprise of about one-fifth of the population, both men, and women. It may be due to physiological differences in their nervous system and has often been attributed to shyness, social anxiety, introversion.

Introversion

Introverts have the tendency to look inwards for their energy. Introverts have been described as poor at social interaction, but many introverts socialise easily. Introverts are typically more reserved and reflective, and enjoy the rich inner world of ideas, and emotions. They often follow solitary pursuits like art, writing computers, and hiking.

11 Comics Every Introvert Will Understand by Tanner Ringerud

Some very good comics that describe what it feel like to be an introvert.

Top 100 Introvert Quotes by Michaela Chung

Some wise words about the trait to inspire you from a variety of introverts.

Being an Introvert is No More Defining than Being Left Handed by Andy Mort

An conversation with Danny Iny in making a impact with his work whilst being an introvert.

New Study Links Social Anxiety To Being An Empath by Amateo Ra

Looking at a study that links social anxiety and sensitivity to other peoples mental state. Implications for the individual sufferer.

Elaine Aron on the trait of high sensitivity by Douglas Eby

A short interview with the author on the trait of highly sensitive, and what it means.

16 Habits Of Highly Sensitive People by Amanda L. Chan

Outlines several traits, and behaviors that seem to define the highly sensitive type and how they operate in the world

Extrovert Highly Sensitive People…finally by Kelly O’Laughlin

A little podcast of a rare type of individual. The highly sensitive and extroverted individual.

After the Show: The Many Faces of the Creative Performer by Scott Barry Kaufman
Creative types are more sensitive that we think. They are also not the stereotype extroverts they often appear to be.

10 Traps To Avoid Now You Know You’re an Introvert by Andy Mort
Some important mistakes the newly discovered introvert can make when starting to embrace that trait.

Should You Toughen Up? Unexpected Advice For Sensitive Souls by Marie Forleo
3 good ideas on living better, dealing with criticism and those unpleasant feelings when you are sensitive type.

Jobs and Careers for Highly Sensitive Persons by Kelly O’Laughlin
Thoughts on the types of jobs sensitive types avoid and look for.

Are You A Highly Sensitive Person? Here’s The Science Behind This Personality Type by Elaine Aron
Elaine Aaron sharing a little of the biology of high sensitivity, the benefits of having such a trait, and some ideas on future research directions.

The Highly Sensitive Person Who Is Also A High Sensation Seeker Elaine Aron
Thoughts in being highly sensitive but also craving sensation, novelty and excitement. It seems like a contradiction, but there are ways to be both.

Jobs and Careers for Highly Sensitive Persons
Some good ideas in the sorts of vocations and job styles that would suit a sensitive type.

A Meditation for HSPs on Criticism, the Killer
The problems HSPs face when dealing with the judgement of others and some advice too deal with it.

Brains of Introverts Reveal Why They Prefer Being Alone

It may be seen that there is a neurological reason why inverts prefer their own company.

10 Traps To Avoid Now You Know You’re an Introvert
Some insightful ideas about the sort of problems introverts take on when they realize they are introverts. It can mean we walk with a chip on our shoulder.

These Cartoons Perfectly Illustrate What It’s Like To Be An Introvert
A series of cartoons illustrating why being an introvert can be difficult, and amazing.

17 Graphs That Are Way Too Real For Introverts By Anna Borges

Some awesome graphs that explain what it’s like to be an introvert.

A community for those who like to be alone TED Blog By Errin Hutkin

Highlighting the community for introverts created by the Author of Quiet: The power of Introverts.

Highly Sensitive Men successes & struggles – A Highly Sensitive Person’s Life by Kelly O’Laughlin

Being a HSP and a man can be difficult. Here a are some personal stories about the struggle and the successes men can have.

An Illustrated Guide to Introverts in a Start-Up By Liz Fosslien and Mollie West

Some advice for business leaders and introverts themselves on taking partin corporate culture and work.

The Everyday Struggle

How you live your life affects your mental state immensely. From the habits you follow, to the diet you eat. Stress levels impact on your mental health and your ability to cope also plays a role. This is a large list because a lot of what we do day-to-day influences our health. Bad habits can contribute to mental illness just as good habits can protect us from it.

So lifestyle is a very important aspect of mental health and wellbeing.

Deal With Stress In Advance But Avoid Two Common Responses Dr Jeremy Dean

A study shows that different strategies work better or worse when handling stress.

10 tips about social anxiety and diet by Kyle MacDonald
Some good advice on ways your diet and lifestyle can affect your mental health. Our fired can have a profound affect on our mental health as well.

The male suicides: how social protectionism kills by Will Storr
Masculinity is in crisis we are told, and men are more likely to succeed in committing suicide. Here’s what’s makes men so prone to giving it all up.

Increased Anxiety Linked to Simple Behaviour You’re Probably Doing Right Now by Jeremy Dean

This behaviour, which we do a lot of the time may contribute towards creating social anxiety.

Lifestyle Changes as Treatment for Mental Health Concerns, Depression, Anxiety by Rick Nauert PhD

How changes in lifestyle can help improve mental wellbeing an fight mental illness.

For the Anxious, Avoidance Can Have an Upside by Joseph LeDoux

A different viewpoint when it comes to coping with stressful situations.

Sitting down too much may be a cause for anxiety at Science Daily

Spending too much time in front of the tv, or computer may be related to social anxiety, and withdrawal from social situations.

Decreased social anxiety among young adults who eat fermented foods

In looking at how our digestive system affect our minds. Ingestion of fermented foods experiences less social anxiety and neuroticism.

Seeking Control through Solitude can be a mistake by Alex Fradera

Feeling in control of one’s life is not to be found on your own

Anxious? Depressed? Try Greek philosophy by Jules Evans

Jules Evans hit rock bottom and found answer in words written hundreds of years ago.

How to Silence Your Irrationally Harsh Inner Critic by Janet Choi

Some advice on better ways to engage that internal voice.

‘I feel like I’m dying’: the effects of panic attacks and anxiety – and how to overcome them by Claire Eastham

Some good advice on what panic attacks are and what you can do about them.

How to stop panic attacks – by having the perfect panic attack by Hugo Rock

A counter intuitive idea on dealing with those moment of extreme anxiety.

Social Anxiety Sufferers Underestimate Themselves and their Friendships — Science of Us by Jesse Singal

A study that shows SA types have made a mistake when it come to their connection to other people.

The unexpected benefits of anxiety by Christian Jarrett
Being a little anxious when working can provide you with advantages you probably never thought of.

How I Cured My Anxiety by Charlie Hoehn

A practice that we once used to do but have forgotten which could help you with anxiety.

“Why Are You So Quiet?”
Ever been asked this? The Social Anxietist, offers a few thoughts on how we can feel are being picked out in such a manner.

Downsize Your Worry List; Prioritize Your Anxiety

A couple of great ideas on taking the feelings of being overburdened by your worries and reasoning out some control, clarity.

When Anxiety Strikes Without a Cause

Some advice on how to deal with anxiety that seems to have no cause or source, and the worry about not finding it.

Social Anxiety: We Worry About Faults, Ignore Our Strengths

Twisted thinking with social anxiety means we can downplay what we are good at, and instead and focus on our perceived weaknesses. Here are some ideas about how to redress that balance.

A simple breathing exercise to help you control your anxiety

Breathing better had been found to help with anxiety. Here Anxiety Slayer offers a technique that can help reduce anxiety and get you to relax.

Ouch! In the Brain, Social Rejection Feels Like Physical Pain – The Crux By Matthew D. Lieberman

A look at a study that explains how the reacts to social rejection. It may also explain why some people take rejection badly.

Why being easily embarrassed makes people like you more By Alasdair Wilkins

It seems there might be an actual advantage in being the type who is easily embarrassed by their social gaffs.

10 reasons why you should stop caring what others think of you ⋆ Battle of Mind By J Wilson

A very good list of the many reasons why people’s opinions of us matter less than we think.

How to Help People Overcome Social Anxiety (and Change Their Brain Response) By Ruth Buczynski

A look at a study that compares exercise with mindfulness and it’s effect on social anxiety.

14 Amazing Apps For Anyone Living With Anxiety By Arianna Rebolini

Apps for both Android and iOS.

Pseudo-Therapy Apps The Fad Diet Of Mental Health TechCrunch by Irene Gorodyansky

How modern mental illness has fallen for the quick fix solution offered up by technology and apps.

Psychologists Found an Easy Way to Overcome Social Anxiety By Anna lemind

A totally of the wall idea you can use when you are interacting with other people.

On Anxiety

The Unexpected Benefits of Anxiety by Christian Jarrett

Worrying about something has some useful effects on decision making and performance.

Why Being Neurotic Could Actually Be A Good Thing by Amanda L. Chan

Being a neurotic can be a good thing provided you have this extra trait along with it.

Why It’s Bad to Focus All Your Attention on Anxiety by Paul Dooley

Anxiety isn’t really the problem we should be addressing. What’s we need to is focus on something more common, and that we are all familiar with.

Reality vs How it Feels with Social Anxiety by Shea Strauss

A little comparison with how social anxiety feels in the world.

My anxious life in an age of anxiety by Scott Stossel
Scott Stossel of Atlantic Magazine, his journey and views on anxiety.

How Social Anxiety Disorder Tricks You By David Carbonell

A couple of pointers of about social anxiety that seem to be self contradictions. Showing how anxiety tends to feed upon itself.

Bullies bruise brains, not just egos MNN – Mother Nature Network

Social anxiety may be caused by persistence changes in the brain brought on through bullying.

Bicycle – The April Center for Anxiety Attack Management – Los Angeles
A narrative of how social problems become created over time.

I’m better off single. You might be, too. – The Washington Post By Bella DePaulo

Being single is more advantageous in many ways than being in a relationship. So don’t worry so much if you are.

The shy delusion – Fluent in 3 months – Language Hacking and Travel Tips By Benny Lewis

Does shyness exist? Here are some thoughts on the question from a polyglot.

Situation Specific

One individual standing out of the crowd, individuality, choice and free thought concept

In this section there are links to posts that focus more on SA to do with certain circumstances. Like, work, dating and panic attacks

12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away From You by Marc Chernoff

A great post on the sorts of mistakes that leave us socially isolated.

How To Overcome Self-Consciousness And Win Your Life Back by Srikanth AN

Several good ideas on how to overcome the tendency to turn inwards an self monitor ourselves on social situations.

The Free and Simple Way to Boost Your Wellbeing By Andy Mort

Small talk is a mystery for most of us. Here are some ideas no how deep meaningful conversation can be beneficial to us.

How to Successfully Deal with Conflict as an Introvert By Aletheia Luna

Several ideas on how to deal with those people who challenge our the peace and tranquility that we often need.

Anxiety: The Reason It Can Socially Isolate You

Anxiety can prevent you from using a useful ability when interacting with others.

How social anxiety manifests on Facebook

What about social anxiety on social media? Does it happen? Does anyone notice?

Stigma Towards Mental Health Stigma Impacts Vocation

Having a mental illness can affect others perception of you and your competence in the workplace.

How to Overcome the Fear of “Putting Yourself Out There”

Advice from Susan Cain, author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

7 Tips to Help You Cope with Social Anxiety at College or University

For those sufferers about to set of to set of to higher education here are a few tips on how to cope.

Doing good deeds helps socially anxious people relax from Science Daily

Helping others can have a positive effect of of reducing anxiety and avoidance behaviors.

How I over came fear of public speaking by Adam Grant

Some great tips on delivering a better speech by someone who has suffered from social anxiety.

Entrepreneurship and Mental Illness – Dirty Little Secrets by Mike Harrington

A look at the problems of mental health the last people you would expect to have it. The leaders, businessmen and women.

Managing Social Anxiety At Work – Advice That May Help
The workplace is where many people suffer anxiety at it’s worst. All the many ways to mess up. Kyle MacDonald offers some useful advice on navigating your work environment in specific situations.

Dissociation and Anxiety How to Get Back in Touch When Anxiety Leaves You Feeling Disconnected – Self help for anxiety

Disassociation is the feeling of being disconnected from the world around you and yourself. Anxiety Slayer offers some ideas about how to reestablish that connection and feel more grounded, present.

Coping Skills for Anxiety Attacks
A panic attack is an extreme and disturbing feeling that something is very badly wrong. A disaster or catastrophe is imminent, like your own death. Anxiety Slayer offers some ideas on how to address these moments.

When People Don’t Seem Interested In Starting Friendships With You www.succeedsocially.com By Chris Macleod

Developing relationships can seem like you bashing your head against a wall. Some insights as to why acquaintances don’t become your friends.

Fear of blushing brings on blush itself › News in Science (ABC Science) By Bianca Nogrady

Research that provide some insight into the fear of blushing, and to what extent people do blush.

Struggling with a Ruminating Mind? 5 Strategies to Help By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Tips from Alice Boyes book on addressing an overactive mind.

Five Ways to Relieve Anxiety You’ve Never Thought Of by Gabe Howard.

5 rather unusual ways to relieve anxiety

5 Best Practices To Overcome Social Anxiety by Mark Tyrell

Some useful ideas in altering your mindset when you have to face those situations that scare you.

How To Get Rid of Negative Thoughts by Dr Jeremy Dean
8 strategies for dealing with those unpleasant thoughts that can assault us.

More Ways to Manage Racing Thoughts By Margarita Tartakovsky

Some ideas we would recognise, but there are several unusual practices here that you can try to fight the negative thoughts swirling around in your head.

No, I Can’t Just Relax How I Learned to Manage My Anxiety Disorder By Eric Ravenscraft

Some personal advice on how to deal with anxiety in general and panic attacks.

6 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety Psych Central By Margarita Tartakovsky

Does what it says on the tin. 6 methods to help address your anxiety.

5 crazy ways to get over shyness immediately, no drinkdrugs required – Fluent in 3 months – Language Hacking and Travel Tips By Benny Lewis

A handful of ideas about getting over that crippling fear and talking to people. It’s actually advice on how to learn to speak another language.

Controlling Intrusive Thoughts – Suppress, Repress or Accept Brain Blogger By Carla Clark

When trying to deal with negative thoughts, what’s the best strategy to adopt? Here’s some look at the evidence.

Some Bigger Picture Thoughts On How To Make Conversation www.succeedsocially.com By Chris MacLeod

Some important points on having better connections with the people we talk to. It looks that the sorts of influences affect a conversation and the expectations we have.

4 Ways to Reframe Approach Anxiety When Meeting New People by Steven Handel
Afraid of meeting someone new and introducing yourself? Here are fire ideas on how to think about the encounter differently.

Medicine and Support

psychologist says to the patient, and solves problems

Mental health is one of the biggest problems we face in the modern world with Social anxiety being one most common mental health problems. The mental health fields in medicine offer a variety of treatments from talking therapies to drugs. Here are some links to do with professional therapeutic practice when dealing with anxiety problems like Social Anxiety.

Head Case Can psychiatry be a science?

Psychiatry is in crisis, no none seems to agree on anything. Treatments are disputed, suspicion, greed, politics.

A Pill for Every Mood: An Interview with Christopher Lane by Jason B. Jones

Interview with the author of Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness, which shows how modern mental health and created the fiction of social anxiety disorder.

How shyness became social phobia by Simon Wessely

Another interview with Christopher Lane and how Shyness becomes the disorder that it is considered today.

The Neurobiology of Social Anxiety Disorder by Dibya Mathur

Some insights into the biological underpinnings of S.A.

A Virtual Approach to Treating Social Anxiety

New technology may allow for new ways of treating SA, including computer generated reality.

Brain imaging shows how children inherit their parents’ anxiety

Study shows how a tendency for anxiety is passed down the generations.

Which is better, Drugs or Psychotherapy for Social Anxiety

A large competitive study looks at many talking therapies and pharmaceutical drugs to find out which is the best initial approach for SA.

Living with Anxiety from From the Mental Health Foundation

A free ebook that explains the illness and what help is available.

The Neurology of Anxiety in Times of Critical Decision-Making by Viatcheslav Wlassoff

Anxiety can affect our decisions in negative ways, heres the biology of how this happens.

Stanford study vanquishes social anxieties without drugs By Suzanne Bohan

A looks at a new study just started that will look at CBT and mindfulness and it’s everyone’s by examining an individuals brains.

The age of anxiety: a medical condition or just the new normal? By Mark Robson-Scott

Some thoughts in our modern society and it’s attitude towards anxiety and medication.

Final words

I hope you enjoyed all these articles and resources on addressing Social Anxiety.

The truth is we are all better at connecting to others than we think.

Did you find anything useful or inspiring here?

If you like this post please share it on social media.

by Richard on June 7, 2016 Leave a Comment

What matters the most? Loneliness vs a Shared history

I’ve been watching recently watching the tv series Dawson’s Creek. I remember watching it at the turn of the millennium. At least the first three series anyway.

I couldn’t resist finding out what happens next, so I checked out the Wikipedia episode guide to catch a glimpse of the future story. Finding out how the last episode ended.

As with all last episodes and also final films it reflects back on the past between the characters.

Remembering what has changed between them, the shared experiences, witnessing each other’s lives. Noticing how people have changed over that time.

I have realised in recent months, just as I remember back sixteen years ago, that this one of the things I want the most.

To be connected to another person, whether it a partner, a friend, even a rival is that they share a history. Sometimes a very long one, like those characters portrayed in Dawson’s Creek.

For me, other stories that have reminded me of this include Cheers, Friends, Harry Potter, Babylon 5, Mass Effect games, Star Wars, Raymond E Fiest novels and more. Stories all have the same thing in common, people facing life, the ups and downs, joys and sorrows.

I am upset and profoundly sad that no-one has witnessed the significant changes that have happened to me over the past few years. I’m no longer the person I once was. Yet only my therapist knows this about me. I don’t think even my family has picked up on the changes within me.

But I want people to know. This is why isolation and loneliness hurts. There’s little or nothing to connect you to another person. They haven’t witnessed your struggles, your triumphs, and you haven’t theirs.

Think back to a story you have read or watched. Think back to the last chapter, the last episode. Where the loose ends are tied up, where the past is often reflected upon.

If your life were to end today, what past would you share with someone else? Would there be any witnesses to your existence?

This is one thing that stories remind me is important. The shared struggle is what brings people together. Even if that sharing comes to an end at some point. It’s the common past that makes your friends, friends.

A shared history is what knits two people or a group together. It’s the same for family, it’s not that you bloodlines, that matter, it’s that you have a past.

I haven’t been connected to anyone deeply for my whole life, and I feel that emptiness within. That lack of entanglement, or a history is keenly felt.

I have heard the saying, that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I agree because it goes back to what I have said above.

To be happy is to feel connected, to have your life intertwined, entangled with another person, with the world around you.

Stories always seem to make me feel this desire and this sense of emptiness.

A shared past is something we all need with someone else. Our existence seems more real when other people know we exist.

This is why we must reach out, and not wait to be called out.

Make that call, go out and spend time with others. Share your hopes and dreams, fears and failures. Bare you soul, as much as you can.

Each time you do this you are weaving your life together with theirs, you will share a mutual past.

I see now that this is never a waste of time.

I feel like I’m rambling now so I’ll ask some questions.

Do stories remind you of a shared history you have with someone?

Do you feel a lack of a shared history like I do?

How many people know of your past?

Who knows of your struggles and witnessed the changes within you?

Image Credit: andresr / 123RF Stock Photo