My healing crisis?

I often get the feeling that some how I have failed.
I have none of the success I had once hoped. I’m in a dead end job doing work I find unfulfilling. I have no close friends.

Whatever passion and desire I did have never made it of the ground because I was so afraid of connecting to other people.

Desolation, that what I call it. It’s an apt word because there is no abundance no growth, nothing. That’s how I feel.
What distractions I used before to avoid these feelings no longer draw me because now I see that they were distractions.

I have moved beyond them, though I can’t be free of them.

These feelings of despair seem to be coming more now than ever before. I feel it’s because I think about my problems more than ever before, but also because I am seeing some successes in overcoming them, and finding a life I really do want.

Those dark feelings of despair are directed to myself now because I am looking backwards. It’s the despair of regret. The past now seems darker because my future seems brighter. An odd paradox.

These dark thoughts and feeling are what’s perhaps called the ‘healing crisis’. On the road to healing and health the problem becomes temporarily worse before it gets better.

However I could be wrong. Such thoughts and feelings might stay with me for the rest of my life. Even when things are going well there might be moments when I don’t feel it. Instead the loneliness, inadequacy reminds me that I was perhaps born to be somewhat pessimistic and bleak in my outlook.

Only time will tell, so I must try to live at the pace that life comes at me.
One day at a time.

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