Anxiety Archives – Richard Collison

by Richard on May 26, 2019 Leave a Comment

Anxiety, self-esteem and Introversion

Part of the reason why I suffered when I was young was that I had such low self-worth. I felt there was something wrong with me.

‘I just wasn’t good with people.’

‘No-one wants to be with me or talk to me.’

That’s how I thought of myself. The extroverts, they’re the ones with the people skills and the desire to talk a lot.

I wasn’t one of them. So I assumed that staying away from people was the best way to protect myself from the scrutiny and scorn of others.

It helped with my stress levels, but looking back I’m not sure that strategy really helped me find my way in life.

All it did was to cause my growth to stall and left me lonely and depressed.

However, in my quest to get better, I have read some books on introversion. They helped me see that being an introvert is not the flaw I once thought it was.

The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Not a flaw

One was the Introvert Advantage Marti Olsen Laney, another Quiet, the Power Of Introvert by Susan Cain, and The Happy Introvert Elizabeth Wagele.

This post is not to lay out such ideas in detail but the sort of things I learned included:

Introversion is to do with biology and chemistry. It’s the way some individuals have grown through nurture and nature. There’s no reason to think it’s a flaw or a disease.

Love Ideas

To be introvert is to be more interested in ideas.

Unlike extroverts, introverts love ideas and turning them over in their heads. Exploring ideas is why introverts make good philosophers, scientists, artists.

Contribution to the world

introverts have played a massive contribution in the world and they point out those leaders, artist, thinkers, businessmen and women as examples.

Importance of Lifestyle

Accepting what you are is the biggest step towards happiness, and finding a lifestyle that supports your introverted nature is important. This is why the happiest introverts have time set aside for themselves. To do their thinking, their art.

Good at Conversation!

Introverts may be better at the conversation thing then extroverts. Because they listen more deeply and avoid lots of small-talk. Conversing more on issues that are important to themselves and their connections.

Because of this, they can create far deeper bonds with people through Meaningful conversation, than the more superficial extroverts.

More Connection

Some introverts when dealing with the extrovert norm, by hiding away their skills and gifts because they fear the response, of confrontation and conflict.

Instead introverts should be accessible, that is to say, more open. Express our ideas and reconnect with the world around us.

A lot of my anxiety is based upon feeling that I was flawed and had nothing to offer.

Some self-help books on Introversion helped me understand myself better.

They helped me address my low self-esteem by pointing out where I was going wrong. I had a negative view of myself that was unjustified and not based on reality.

To be an introvert and accept it helped me overcome some of the biggest problems in my life.

Such insight and acceptance helped me to focus on developing my skills and live more in accordance with the sort of person I am.

This to me is what personal development books are best at, breaking down falsehoods and lies. Introverts are not ill or flawed but a part of the rich diversity of personalities and people that make up our species.

Not only that but introverts have skills that the world at large needs, which means we can make a valuable contribution.

by Richard on May 17, 2019 Leave a Comment

How to deal with the darkest moments

‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’
Winston Churchill

There are those moments when I’m in a bad way. In those times I notice just how much the negative side of my personality comes out.

Anger
Hatred
Resentment
Despair
Bitterness
Loneliness

Some of these I can’t seem to stop boiling upwards into my thoughts and feelings.

It manifests in the imagery that pops into my mind.

When I get angry I imagine picking a fight, I want to lash out.When I’m depressed I imagine failure and defeat. Here I don’t lash out as much as I mentally curl up, as a mode of self-protection.

I search for the worst humanity has to offer in the news on Youtube. I read the comments to remind me just how awful people can be. I think it’s ‘like seeking like’.

That way I can sit back and feel justified in my hatred or despair etc. (Even though this attitude is a distortion of the reality ).

In these dark moments, it feels so right to hate, despair or be angry. So right that it’s hard to resist, to see beyond it. My world shrinks to become just that negative feeling.

Also, such negative states often leave me tense and tired. Because emotion causes me to go into a fight or protection mode. Which for me is tense muscles, especially in the back and neck.

I have been known to wallow in self-pity during such these moments too and I hate it. ‘Poor me, how wretched my existence!!’. ‘The world is out to get me’. It’s like I chew over my own vomit.

I used to do this much more than now, but I don’t want to anymore. It affects my health, it feeds my negative side, it dis-empowers me and makes me turn away from life. Breaking out of this mindset is difficult, I’m often not aware of doing it.

I can’t stop feeling such feelings, but I want to break the habit of just following them, feeding them.

I want newer, better habits. To remind myself that people can be good, the world is beautiful despite all the ugliness, suffering and mendacity.

The point here is that in those dark places we have behavioural habits. Some make the hurt fester like lashing or blaming others.

Other habits help heal the open wounds in our soul.

What I try to do is remind myself of the better things in life. Going outdoors, nature, works of art.Anything that makes me laugh.Inspiring reminders that remind, I do matter. I can make a difference.

I try to avoid self-pity and instead do something. Or I try to remember that others suffering far more than myself, or I remind me myself that one day I will die.

Further still I focus on work. To create, sometimes solely for my own enjoyment, or put out into the world.

Another good habit is to reach out to others, which for me is something I find hard to do.

These healing habits are forgiving, connecting, calming, the opposite of how I feel. They help me let go of pain I feel I need to hold onto.

It’s not about denying such feelings. But rather to stop dwelling on them in a vicious circle that causes real harm to yourself and the people around you. (In Buddhism this cycle of hurt is the meaning of Samsara).

Instead, walk a different circle. Finding hope in hopelessness, compassion in hatred, peace in anger and so transform your mind.

It’s applying an antidote to your suffering, just as you might a bandage to a wound. It’s not a substitute for prevention. But sometimes you just need something to soothe the pain and start the healing process.

Another important point is to choose the right antidotes. Some like drink and drugs may make you feel better in the short term. But you will pay the price of such toxins in the long run.

Instead create some art, or enjoy some. Watch an enjoyable TV or film. Read a book. Go for a walk, or a run. Seek inspiration in literature, history and art. Stories that are uplifting and motivating.

Choose habits that are soothing and transforming.Have these treatments close to hand. The key point is that we all suffer, but we do have a choice about what to do when we are.

Amongst all this is self compassion. Something I find difficult and like society often thought self indulgent.Somehow we got it into our heads that life should be easy. When we encounter difficulty we blame ourselves using a scathing critical voice to motivate us to do better. Such self harm, (and it is self harm), kept me isolated alone and afraid.

But a book, Self Compassion by Kristin Neff helped me to realise just how important such kind self-regard is. The book shows that self-criticism not only doesn’t work, but it can backfire. Preventing growth, connections and fostering anxiety which can sap motivation.

By soothing our agitation and letting ourselves off the hook when we make a mistake we can gather the courage to try again. Knowing that we can accept ourselves as imperfect beings helps us find the courage to keep trying and learn.

Such an attitude fosters humility, kindness, the recognition of shared humanity, and a desire to help others.

We have have such grand expectations for ourselves and when we don’t live up to them we can doubt our worthiness.

Self-compassion is one of the biggest lessons I had to learn and one of the most useful.

It’s not self indulgence or self pity, but the acknowledging a fact. That we are hurting.

Like a wound in your flesh, recognise it, accept it, attend to it. I gradually moved away from feeding my pain to accepting it. Spending time to care for myself.

Self compassion is the recognition of our suffering, our pain, and the application of a soothing balm to help us cope with it.

During those dark times when it all gets too much, when we wonder how we can go on.We can get so caught up in the problems and suffering that we forget ourselves and the vital tranquillity, the potential that still exists within.

We have to remember that there are steps we can take to ameliorate our suffering.By being kinder to ourselves, and acknowledging our pain without running from it.

We accept the truth of our precarious and vulnerable existence, and the suffering it inevitably causes.

The ideas I have come across in my journey have helped me deal with the suffering I’ve had to face. For more on those ideas subscribe to my newsletter

by Richard on August 26, 2018 Leave a Comment

The Social Anxiety of answering: Who are you and What do you do?

I have felt some social anxiety at describing myself to others. You know how it is, you meet a stranger, online or face to face. The first questions that will get asked are always the same. Who are you/ What do you do?

You know it’s going to happen and our next struggle is to how to answer.

Am I an artist, am I not an artist? It’s a difficult one for me. Am I just a dilettante messing about or do I have a serious intent to be an artist.

Writer? Not a writer? Socially anxious or not? Just recently I had someone contact me about my Social Anxiety Meetup group. He was not sure if he was socially anxious and had doubts about joining.

This highlights our modern age. Things have become so complex that the old labels we use no longer seem to fit. Yet we still try and squeeze ourselves into the definitions we are given or choose for ourselves

Sometimes I get caught up in trying to define myself, so I can use the definition in conversation and still feel I’m being authentic and honest.

Or it’s not trying to define myself then it’s trying to escape a definition I don’t like or has held me back like social anxiety.

We don’t like to admit to definitions that are negative or have a stigma attached.

Our anxiety is about getting our definitions right: We want to know who we are because we want clarity and authenticity. Yet we don’t want these labels to diminish us.

We get caught up in such questions because we have to use definitions, labels when we communicate. Dating profiles, social media, in conversation. Such places are where social anxiety takes place, and one reason is because we’re required to explain who we are.

Another good example are the jobs we have.

If it’s a clearly defined job and we get paid that’s okay. But if it’s a hobby, a side job or self-employed role things can start to get a little messy.

Our work and who we are has become a lot more complex because there are so many ways we can define ourselves and in so many combinations.

It’s a case of language being ruptured by reality. Words are like containers but they have burst because the reality has expanded. One word to describe yourself is no longer enough. Our lives our aspirations can no longer be held by simple definitions.

The map doesn’t equal the terrain. That’s to say reality is far too complex to be fully described by our language.

Yet words are what we use to understand each other and describe reality. We try to pigeon-hole people into definitions, so we use simple labels. Banker, web developer etc.

They aid communication, understanding. But language also fosters miscommunication and confusion. It ignores any complexity or nuance because it’s too difficult or time-consuming to address.

Our definitions will have to expand, or we’ll have to come up with new words to describe ourselves

The old ways of categorising ourselves, and others into roles, professions and identities has now become a problem in the modern age.

Our labels are longer seem enough. It shows that we need to let go of the idea that simple characterisations can define us.

What’s the answer?

One solution is the idea of Slash Careers, an idea by Marci Alboher in her book One Person/Multiple Careers: The Original Guide to the Slash Careers.

Here we define ourselves with more than one job, such as Banker/Artist/Volunteer or Sales coordinator/app developer/writer. (Here’s a Forbes article on the subject as a primer)

Another solution is paradoxically to refocus ourselves on the art of conversation. With such complexity, it means there’s lots to talk about. It invites even demands lengthier, deeper connections to others.

The answer is to spend more time in meaningful dialogue or casual chit-chat. So we can really get to know each other. Social anxiety about our job, our identity can be best addressed by explaining how complex we are.

Conversation is one of the best antidotes to a world far too complex for simple labels, and people far too willing to accept them.

Image Credit: ryanking999 / 123RF Stock Photo

by Richard on November 26, 2017 Leave a Comment

Don’t speculate, find out! 4 methods of procrastination to avoid

For a long time, years, in fact, I was a master at avoidance and procrastination. I toyed with the idea of trying my hand at creating art or writing.

Looking at the occasional painting would make me wonder if I could do the same. I imagined the classes, the easel, the tools. All this daydreaming never answered the question if I could create art, and how good I am.

In the end, I realised the answer was to bite the bullet and start.

It’s an important lesson for all the dreams we have. Trying that new job, changing careers, moving home, going on a first date. We can speculate about what might happen for years and miss the opportunity.

The speculation comes in many forms, but it’s all just different ways to procrastinate.

Anxiety, it’s the same but different

Worry may not seem like procrastinating but it can be one way we don’t make progress. Which amounts to the same thing.

Instead of a better future, we imagine a bad one. We expect something bad is going to happen. Our anxieties are in effect our minds in speculation mode.

We dream possible scenarios because our fear of the unknown is getting the better of our desire to find out.

Anxiety is negative speculation in overdrive. What-if scenarios cross our minds. The same ones again and again.

It comes from low self-esteem and feeling like we’re a fraud. Imposter Syndrome. We remain unconvinced we deserve success and happiness.

This kind of negative imagery can be really off-putting. It’s a way for us to convince ourselves that were just not good enough or worthy enough to try new things. Even those dreams we have had for a long time.

That way we have an excuse to take action.

The planning trap

More speculation comes in the of planning. It’s a way of saying that this is how I want things to happen. Whilst some planning is a good idea. Too much and too detailed plans can stymie our progress.

With plans, we can become obsessed with sticking to the plan far beyond the point where it becomes realistic.

Or that we endlessly rewrite plans as circumstances change. Out of some bizarre need to have everything go ‘according to plan’.

This is when planning becomes a form of procrastination itself.

Given the uncertainty about the future, we try to erase by predicting how things should take place. Kind of like laying in front of the train so that the engine can roll forwards.

The research trap

Another example of speculation/procrastination comes in the form of research. No sense reinventing the wheel, so what are other people’s experiences?

We want our speculation to be grounded in reality so we ask others, or search online. We also want shortcuts, a way of avoiding the problems others have faced.

So we do our research and find out in advance the truth, the facts. Reading books, watching videos, workshops, seminars, blogs and more.

It almost seems we have something against learning through practice.

The problem is we can end up in perpetual research mode. Never going beyond the theory and finding out for ourselves through practice.

We lionise university study and further education. But does all that study prepare us for a working life? Or does it merely insulate us from the real world and its problems?

To me, it’s another symptom of our desire to avoid the uncertainties of life. Read and keep on reading can be a way avoid the leap from student to practitioner

Filling your head with knowledge is not enough. It may be good knowledge. But often what you have learned will be insufficient and in some cases even misleading.

Visualisation

Dreaming up what you want an also a problem. Were are often advised to visualise what we want. But when does dreaming become procrastination?

Firstly there the dreams that have little basis in reality. Daydreams that are more like pipe dreams. Like a Walter Mitty character we imagine our better selves. Yet we are too afraid to act and make it real.

Further still visualisation can weaken our motivation. This goes against earlier research that tells us visualisation is helpful is motivating us to do the work.

It’s complex and it seems to stem from what kind of visualisation you’re doing.

A ‘flight of fancy’ can be something implausible to the point of absurdity. But a vision is more grounded in reality. It’s both, the goal and the steps needed to get there.

Living in the dream world of visualisation can become an escape from the world.

It’s a change I noticed within me. Looking back I see my growth was based on having my dreams more grounded in reality, more reachable. The ridiculous fantasies I once entertained, as if they were my own movie real, I cast aside.

I have heard that ideas have two births. The one inside the head, and the one where it becomes a reality.

Your imaginings will never be enough. So stop speculating about your future life, and try something out.

There has to be a time when you take a leap, and then another and another. Like your in endless freefall.

Getting your feet wet

Instead of leaving these questions unanswered, the solution always lies in taking action.

Don’t be content with leaving these questions and ideas linger in your mind. Instead, go out into the world and try some of them out.

They might go nowhere, but the point is you can’t know until you try. No amount of research, imagination or planning can get across what it will be like for you.

The unknown, the uncertainty will always exist. It’s your job to act in spite of it.

It’s taking on board an experimental attitude. Not letting yourself get carried away with too much visualisation or planning.

Instead of adopting a more incremental approach. Baby steps or Little Victories as I like to call it. With each step a small experiment.

It’s often easier than we think. The barriers to entry have crumbled.

You can have your own website and blog up and running in just minutes. You can create art with just pencil and paper. Meeting new people is possible by finding forums and being on Meetup.

Learning a new skill like a language can be done online through a Massive Open Online Course or MOOCs. The obstacles to these new skills are lower now than ever before. So what holds us back is now more our own fears and hangups. (It’s this area that fascinates me the most).

One reason we hold back is that we’re bad at knowing who we are and what we want.

Sometimes the only way to answer a question like ‘am I any good’ or ‘will I like it or not’ is to try it and see.

Taking the step from imagination and theory to practice and experience is one of the biggest and hardest steps anyone can take. Worse still it doens’t get easier.

Learning, planning and visualisation can be helpful. But your path is unique so ‘Your mileage may vary’.

No amount dreaming can ever make your dreams real.

The journey won’t turn out the way you want, and you may end up in a place you never expected. Which just shows the futility of all this excess planning, visioning and research.

Action is always a necessary step unless you don’t mind having your dreams remain dreams.

But taking that leap will lead you to amazing places. Take a step, you won’t regret it.

To find out more on taking action sign up to my newsletter.

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