My Journey Archives – Richard Collison

by Richard on November 5, 2017 Leave a Comment

Living with perpetual Doubt

‘My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened’ – Michel de Montaigne

I don’t see myself as a creator, entrepreneur. I have never thought of myself as a writer or artist. Whatever ideas I might have had were ground out of me in my youth.

However, the idea of ceating art or writing never went away. The thoughts in my head was always ‘can I be a writer?’, ‘can I be an artist?’

It’s a question that plagued me for decades until in 2012, when I bit the bullet and started a blog. Yet my commitment was lacking because the question never went away. Doubt remained and I wanted answers.

This doubt is what has stopped me from fully committing to my writing. Do I have what it takes?

My desire to be a writer has always existed alongside these doubts. It’s a question that I still don’t have an answer to and the problem is that kind of doubt saps your motivation to create. It’s why years later my blog is tiny with virtually no readership.

Am I just wasting my time?

Should I move onto something else? What else?

Perhaps I’m just not that good at this stuff. Worst still I’m fascinated by many things. I think I’m one of those Multipotentialites that Emile talks about over at Puttylike.

It’s hard to get good at something when your mind says, ‘look shiny!’ all the time. The economy is not made for generalists, only specialists.

It’s why the job I have, I hate. A menial low pay job that does little to help me get better at the skills of writing, creating, entrepreneurship. It’s why I feel stuck there, trapped.

Yet what am I to do? How do I face this doubt and uncertainty? Turn away from creating or keep going?

Do I even want to be a writer? Is being a writer is to write a blog, a book, create an online course, run seminars, workshops, conferences? Because that’s what a lot of other writers do.

All that seem overwhelming. I’m not sure I want all that, yet that lifestyle of an artist, a writer is compelling.

The doubt about my path never stops and it’s hard to keep going if the outcome is uncertain and I’m not sure I want it. It’s also hard to keep going if you’re talking to no-one. If there’s no response, or feedback from on you offer. Sometimes I doubt if anyone is really interested in what I have to say, whether they care

I guess I want all the answers laid out before me.

That’s too much to ask I know. What I have learned from reading is that it doesn’t work like that.

‘The answers will come in time’, is what I tell myself. I’m trying to follow my own advice.

But that’s still not good enough. I need to know those answers. I envy those people who have a clear purpose in mind. I have never had one in my life. Perhaps explaining my lack of growth.

It’s a clear purpose necessary? I don’t know. Should I keep going or do something else? I just don’t know.

I don’t know is all I seem to have. Yet I can’t seem to give up trying. The desperate search not no longer be desperately searching. I’m stuck in a liminal place. I’m neither one thing nor another.

Am I just some average joe stuck in a dead-end job, or can I be something more? I feel the desire the passion to be more yet none of that emotion or the work I have done has yet translated into any kind of success.

These in-between places fascinate me yet they are hard places to be.

Ask questions and get no answers.

I want to seize this moment, take charge, drive forward with confidence and determination. Like the heroes of old, of stories. The Hero makes things happen, they seize their destiny and take control.

My doubts sabotage that ethos. I don’t seem to be seizing anything. More like a hero who shouts ‘meh’ then does something vaguely risky. Not out of conviction or desire but because there’s nothing else to do.

Hardly the heroic attitude. A short of half arsed’ heroism.

If I do ever succeed it won’t be by design but by accident I think. I hate that. I hate that I can’t seize my destiny, that my doubts are too great. I can’t be the type of person that I read about. The explorers, writers, artists who have a vision or an idea and diligently work towards it making it real. That kind of work seems to be what heroes, builders and leaders are made of.

That just doesn’t seem to be me. Is there something wrong with me? Is it my fault?

Doubt about the future and doubts about myself. Each feeding the other. I’m doubly damned.

It’s so much doubt about finding success, but it’s more I doubt my ability to find a path to success. Whatever that succeed may look like. Have I got what I talked to keep trying and do the necessary work?

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I guess I’m someone who has a lot of fear and low self esteem. Fear because I know I can’t go on as I am and remain mediocre. Fear I don’t desereve happiness and success. Fear of what I might become and fear I may not be able to handle it.

It’s hard to say goodbye to your past and difficult to say hello to the future. I feel it should be easier?

Such a bittersweet emotion. This is the space in-between. Fear, doubt, hope, and longing.

What do I do? It’s a plan of not having much of a plan.

Rigid adherence to plans is not a good idea. I guess I’ll just keep plugging away and we what happens. Meeting Serendipity Half way, is the principle as I like to call it.

It seems so absurd it might actually work.

I have some ideas about what a good life is for me, but I doubt my ability to create that life and whether or not I would enjoy it.

This perpetual doubt is hard to live with and it appears to be my default feeling. Occasionally interspaced with occasional passion, desire, and joy.

It’s like being in the middle of a story, in a book or film. You don’t want to stop but you feel apprehensive about moving forwards. I can really feel stories, live out the emotions of the protagonists. The fear the tension, joy, confusion and triumph.

It’s learning how to carry those doubts, fears, hopes and still move forward. I guess I just have to keep moving forward. (Just keep swimming, swimming – Dory, Finding Nemo)

To stumble ever onwards in the fear and the trembling.

by Richard on October 2, 2016 Leave a Comment

Some of my art experiments #2

Here are a few more efforts from my pencil or brush.

These four paintings of the cherry I did together. The first is based upon a cherry tutorial by Will Kemp and for the template for the others.

The Next is a monochrome version it painted to understand value.

The next one is a more expressive, looser approach, and the one I like the most.

The last cherry, is drawing an idea form Gauguin, that is to have black outlines, around objects, and to use lots of little strokes to create a texture.

I tried all these approaches because this early on I’m still not sure what my style or approach is.

by Richard on August 27, 2016 Leave a Comment

The Courtauld Gallery Visit

With my new interest in art and becoming an artist I have looked at a lot of art online. However looking at art on screen doesn’t reveal any details our insights into how that artist worked.

So I recently decided to start visiting art galleries in order to see the work up close and learn what I can.

The first of these is the Courtauld Gallery in Somerset House by the Thames. It specialises in Impressionist works. Below are some of the insights and notes I picked up whilst visiting.

Regarding Trees

van uden study of a birch — Van Uden study of a birch

Trees have been the study of artist for many years. This exhibit infused a number of artists who focused in drawing then.

What I noticed here was the different ways of approaching this difficult subject. The medium could be graphite, chalk, pen and ink, or watercolour.

three trees in a wood de boissieu — De boissieu Three Trees in a wood

Lucas Van uden used tiny squiggles to represent individual details of leaves. Lots of squiggles, dots and dashes to represent foliage. Deep dark marks. Groups of lines to represent clusters of leaves.

Another method was to use the roughness of the paper itself. By drybrushing ink over the surface it picks up only the ridges. Giving the suggestion of foliage and texture.

I happen to like ink line and wash drawings because they’re particularly striking due to the strong contrast and amazing detail.

Peter Paul Reubens

What I found in some of the works of Reubens was visible brushwork. I was not expecting this from an artist before the Impressionists. I’ve always thought the old masters used glazes to get rid of the strokes.

reubens the bounty of James I triumphing over avarice closeup — Reubens The Bounty of James I triumphing over Avarice closeup

Other works of his however are more subtle in their blending.

Some of Reuben’s sketches are interesting to because they show the roughness outlines, which is a style that I like.

Many paintings are done on wooden panels not canvas, something else I didn’t know.

Teipolo

I also discovered a new artist I had never heard of. Giovanni Battista Teipolo.

I liked his work, such a the Allegory of the Power of Eloquence because it tells a story.

Impressionism

Seeing the works of some of the famous artist I had read about was quite a thrill. It also shows that the Impressionists/Post Impressionists were quite different in how they created their art.

Seurat

Seurat’s work comes across as carefully constructed, defined and laid out in a almost graphic designed manner. Similar to Egyptian tomb paintings, which he used a inspiration. It’s a collection of motifs, icons gathered together. Forms and shapes. As if it was a advertising poster. There’s a rigidity to the painting, very unlike the other artists such as of Monet that seem to shimmer and move.

seurat young woman powdering herself closeup — Surat, Closeup of Young Woman

The closeup reveals the Pointillist technique of using dots on unmixed colour.

Cezanne

One of his paintings is far more abstract than others. Surprisingly he even leaves some of the canvas blank. No wonder he’s seen by some as the founder for modern 20th century art.

He broke a number of rules and went further than other, earlier impressionists.

The impressionist stroke

manet banks of the seine at argenteuil — Manet Banks of the Seine at Argenteuil

The above painting by Manet shows us well the strokes that made the Impressionist style at least in part so controversial and new.

manet banks of the seine at argenteuil closeup — Manet Banks of the seine at Argenteuil closeup

Rapid, short, choppy brushwork. Most noticeable in the water below the boat.

Early Picasso

picasso yellow irises — Picasso Yellow Irises

This work shows that Picasso started of very different from where he ended up with his art. Obviously influenced by the Impressionists.

Pissaro

pissarro boulevard montmartre spring morning closeup — Pissarro Boulevard Montmartre Spring Morning closeup

Showing a city full of activity and life. What I like about this is the raised viewpoint, looking down on the scene. He painted it from a hotel room at the time.

This was the first of I hope many gallery visits. For more insights subscribe to this blog.

by Richard on August 14, 2016 Leave a Comment

My Highly Sensitive Life

The book by Elaine Aron, the Highly Sensitive Person helped me better explain why my life was so difficult, why I like lots of silence in my life, and why I like staying st home.

Below I have outlined some of the ways the sensitivity can manifest in my day-to-day existence.

I wanted to express some of the ways my high sensitivity manifests itself in my life.

I can get overwhelmed by people who talk too much. I just want it to stop. I find it hard to say focused because my mind gets distracted by others sounds or activity. Also, it’s difficult, even impossible to separate out the speaker’s voice from the background noise.

I can watch action film for two hours and feel tired afterward. All the energy and action drains me.

Lots of noise, activity, people can also drain me of energy. Afterwards, it can take me hours to recover. I have to test it also because I feel so drained.

I can enjoy being in a city because of the activity, the noise. Also, there are moments when I feel connected to the people around me. I feel happy at being part of the world, humanity.

Certain sounds can irritate me a lot. With me it’s people eating or tapping their fingers, dripping taps. It’s called Misophonia. But I also enjoy certain sounds. ASMR videos. Soft whispering, the sound of rustling paper, someone ironing clothes.

I can feel intensely with music. I use music to fire me up. A lot of music I like is fast, powerful, intense. Even specific notes or groups of notes in a tune can provide a deep, intense feeling.

Sometimes I feel so strongly that I just want to run so hard that I keel over and die. The world affects me that much. At other times I feel so low I can find it difficult to get motivated to do anything.

I can only take people in small doses. Boisterous, noisy, talkative people I want to keep a distance from. It’s part of my introverted nature.

When I read or watch a story. I’m there in that place with those people. I feel what they feel. I can be trembling with the adrenaline running through me because the protagonist is in trouble.

I can get deeply upset by bad news. So much so that I now try to avoid the news. [Sensitivity vs idealism post]

I can’t tolerate horror films. They are scary, too intense. I either can’t get to sleep, or I wake up with nightmares.

When my blood sugar is low I can feel intense anger, depression, fear, frustration. I’m also more likely to react to new stresses. I can become impatient, disparaging, judgmental. Though you will not see any of it because I’ve learned to keep it all inside.

As a man I find it hard to accept my sensitive side. I feel I should be more outgoing, more action orientated.

I love storms; I want to roar and scream at them. I imagine I would be the same with other primal forces of nature.

I have an aversion to conflict with other people. Even if I’m not the one involved. I get upset if I upset others. It’s a blow to my self-esteem.

Sometimes I like a strong wind blowing over me. Later I might find it too overestimating.

I often wear earphones, not because I’m listening to anything, but just to blot out some of the noise of the people, the world around me.

I love to be touched and to touch others. I find it so grounding and relaxing. Getting a hug, or stroking a cat I feel less in my head.

I can feel intensely at the beauty, majesty and terror of the natural world. Beautiful sunsets, the might of mountains, the fear, and power of a storm. The tranquility of a lake and much more.

I can become exhausted through conversation for too long. It leaves me drained of energy, and concentration. I like gaps in the talking for resting and contemplation.

Do you notice anything like this in your life. If so I’d like to hear about them in the comments below.

by Richard on August 7, 2016 Leave a Comment

Why have I moved away from writing

This is a sort of follow-up to my previous post. Blogging is Depressing. I explain further why I have stopped trying so hard with my writing.

Learning how to be a blogger became too stressful for me. What I read was constantly telling me what I wasn’t good enough at it.

It left me having no enthusiasm, demoralised and not writing.

Not so long ago I stopped reading so much blogging advice. I removed subscriptions to blogs and a community of bloggers.

I still check blogging occasionally, but I’m now more careful how much I read and what.

Giving all that up has helped me focus better and restored my desire to write a little. I feel more relaxed about writing.

Uninspiring goals

One of the things that made writing so demoralizing was the goals and aims that were lauded to new bloggers like myself.

The ideas of having a successful blog, with hundreds if not thousand followers. Ebooks, income, possibly even seminars workshops, a book deal even. Creating a movement that changes the world.

None of that really grabbed me.

I wanted to feel excited, I tried to be. I want to believe that’s what I wanted too, but my heart was not in it.

It was a vision I realise now that came from other bloggers. I was trying to follow their advice, their lead because they were successful and I wanted to be as well.

But a lot of it seemed a very stressful grind towards a goal I felt rather indifferent about. Having hundreds or thousands of followers to keep happy seems like a burden to me.

I couldn’t care less if you follow me or not. I just wanted to say something. Such an attitude is not conducive to writing or creating a business.

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend – Albert Camus

That is what I was aiming for, making a living from work I had created, but the burden of leading others, it’s not something I feel comfortable with. Such an idea would lead me to more anxiety and stress.

Most fiction writers I feel don’t aim to please others, or change the world. (Dickens being an exception). They just want to create something to satisfy their own need to create and perhaps, someone else will enjoy.

This idea is not something put forwards in the blogging advice I read. There it was about creating content, building an audience, monetization. i.e. creating a business. As I said, I don’t care for that. But I do want to create something people will enjoy, to help others, make a difference and get paid to do so. So perhaps I’m naive to want nothing to do with running a business.

With my new passion for art, it’s different. I can see myself selling paintings or prints, entering competitions, making money through my creativity. Such a vision does excite me.

Perhaps three years ago I just wasn’t ready to become an entrepreneur. That may change, but first things first, getting the skills necessary to create good work.

Head trip

Another reason why writing became difficult is that the process of writing was very head driven. I’m the anxious type, so reading all these ideas and then writing about them keeps the emphasis on thinking. Such overthinking has left me stressed and unhealthy. Writing, such as nonfiction seems very analytical to me, and I’m tired of thinking so much that my head hurts. Writing in my experience is a head trip that I would rather do less of.

Art, by comparison, is very different. Not logical, but an aesthetic exercise and physical skill. It had its technical aspects bits it’s not really head driven but heart.

Still a writer

It’s not that I don’t want to write, I have ideas I would like to put across, and I’ve come across ideas that I feel are important to know. So I have something to write and want to share them.

But the dreams I had just four years ago of a successful blog, book deals followers is no more.

I never felt I could write a successful book our blog, at least something to earn a living from.

With art, that is something I feel I can become good at.

Ever since I have given up on trying to create a business, become successful, my writing has become far less writing for others or doing it perfectly and more about writing for myself. I write because I enjoy turning over ideas in my head.

This change has made the whole process far more enjoyable.

by Richard on July 17, 2016 3 Comments

Some of my art experiments #1

Just playing around with paint on a surface. No idea what I’m trying to create. I point our a few of my mistakes and what I learned.

Melon thing

Started by trying a strawberry! Became much bigger more like melon.
Like the hot cold of red and green, like the muted background.

Simple Landscape I tried

Did well on the tonal contrasts. Second one better more detailed, broken, bit still not a style I like.
Do I even like the loose brushwork style?
I thought I did.

Rose from photo tonal study

Did well I thought.
Looks like what it should be

Cold Mountain Warm Heart

Don’t paint the the edged of your going for a conceptual idea, rather than a represenation

Palette is to varied, nothing to unify the piece

Use blue and brown combination
Don’t have purple moon, it ruins the piece.

Pear Thing

Not go. It went green. Didn’t use enough red before adding the blue. That’s why it went green, didn’t want that
The background is too busy.

Pear Things

Again Gone green, didn’t use enough red. Shadows are wrong so is the background. But I do like the stroke texture in the piece. This one and the above i followed form a video online.

I have much to learn.

Shimmering Lake at Dusk

Again from a video online. Tried my best and I like the tonal contrast, the cold, hot contrast too. But still its small, not as good as I would like. Clouds are too simple, still haven’t figure out how to do them consistently well. The reflections are to well defined. It’s look a little to mirror like.