Self esteem Archives – Richard Collison

by Richard on May 26, 2019 Leave a Comment

Anxiety, self-esteem and Introversion

Part of the reason why I suffered when I was young was that I had such low self-worth. I felt there was something wrong with me.

‘I just wasn’t good with people.’

‘No-one wants to be with me or talk to me.’

That’s how I thought of myself. The extroverts, they’re the ones with the people skills and the desire to talk a lot.

I wasn’t one of them. So I assumed that staying away from people was the best way to protect myself from the scrutiny and scorn of others.

It helped with my stress levels, but looking back I’m not sure that strategy really helped me find my way in life.

All it did was to cause my growth to stall and left me lonely and depressed.

However, in my quest to get better, I have read some books on introversion. They helped me see that being an introvert is not the flaw I once thought it was.

The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Not a flaw

One was the Introvert Advantage Marti Olsen Laney, another Quiet, the Power Of Introvert by Susan Cain, and The Happy Introvert Elizabeth Wagele.

This post is not to lay out such ideas in detail but the sort of things I learned included:

Introversion is to do with biology and chemistry. It’s the way some individuals have grown through nurture and nature. There’s no reason to think it’s a flaw or a disease.

Love Ideas

To be introvert is to be more interested in ideas.

Unlike extroverts, introverts love ideas and turning them over in their heads. Exploring ideas is why introverts make good philosophers, scientists, artists.

Contribution to the world

introverts have played a massive contribution in the world and they point out those leaders, artist, thinkers, businessmen and women as examples.

Importance of Lifestyle

Accepting what you are is the biggest step towards happiness, and finding a lifestyle that supports your introverted nature is important. This is why the happiest introverts have time set aside for themselves. To do their thinking, their art.

Good at Conversation!

Introverts may be better at the conversation thing then extroverts. Because they listen more deeply and avoid lots of small-talk. Conversing more on issues that are important to themselves and their connections.

Because of this, they can create far deeper bonds with people through Meaningful conversation, than the more superficial extroverts.

More Connection

Some introverts when dealing with the extrovert norm, by hiding away their skills and gifts because they fear the response, of confrontation and conflict.

Instead introverts should be accessible, that is to say, more open. Express our ideas and reconnect with the world around us.

A lot of my anxiety is based upon feeling that I was flawed and had nothing to offer.

Some self-help books on Introversion helped me understand myself better.

They helped me address my low self-esteem by pointing out where I was going wrong. I had a negative view of myself that was unjustified and not based on reality.

To be an introvert and accept it helped me overcome some of the biggest problems in my life.

Such insight and acceptance helped me to focus on developing my skills and live more in accordance with the sort of person I am.

This to me is what personal development books are best at, breaking down falsehoods and lies. Introverts are not ill or flawed but a part of the rich diversity of personalities and people that make up our species.

Not only that but introverts have skills that the world at large needs, which means we can make a valuable contribution.

by Richard on July 29, 2018 Leave a Comment

Self esteem is the foundation for all happiness

I’ve suffered from low self-esteem all my life. Yet it’s only recently that I’ve really come to realise it’s important when it comes to everything else that I want.

Self-esteem or self-worth is something of a controversial subject.

We know its importance, we can see how anxiety and depression are linked to it. Yet we also recognise it can become a narcissistic self-obsession.

For me, I never gave it enough importance. I learned to be more self-effacing, deprecating and modest. But looking back it was worse. It was self-destructive, very self-critical and I never felt I deserved happiness or success. The shame I felt for being a shy misfit has been with me for a long time.

Such an attitude is what made me turn away from the riskier but more rewarding choices. Instead, I took the safe option and avoided going after what I wanted.

But it’s a negative circle: I don’t deserve > I don’t try > I don’t achieve > back to I don’t deserve. We define our self esteem based upon what goes on around us.

The quest to address my unhappiness for the past fifteen years then has been somewhat misguided. I read up on many different subjects but failed to identify the most important factor, self-esteem.

My own self-worth didn’t change much. I learned many things about happiness, success, motivation, purpose etc. So I can talk-the-talk, but I failed to act upon them. Why, because I didn’t feel I deserved it. I looked for the quick fixes and they failed because you have to build your life from the ground upwards.

I didn’t walk the walk, I couldn’t.

My lamentation at my life choices and the regrets it brings drives home to me just how much I have neglected valuing myself as a person. To know and believe that I have something to contribute, that I do deserve a great job, an amazing partner, and that my life is valuable.

It’s here that those of us who feel anxious, unworthy, or depressed need to pay attention. It’s those of us who need to work on our self-esteem most of all.

Low self-esteem is like Impostor Syndrome. But where you normally doubt your skill and competence in a particular field, here it encompasses your whole life.

It might mean seeking professional help, reading self-help books, watching videos and more.

It will be a long struggle, but it’s worth it because without better self-worth you won’t try to find success and happiness. None of it will matter because you feel unworthy.

Here are just a few resources to get you started.

Mind UK on Self Esteem

Psychology Today 8 Steps to Improving your Self Esteem

The aim, to build up yourself self-image. But it has to be something realistic. It’s not about praising yourself to the point where you become bloated with your own self-importance.

Keep it real. Keep the ideas about yourself grounded in the reality of the plausible.

Know that you are worthy of love, success and happiness, even when you do mess up.

It’s will take some time to do this because it always takes time to alter the way you think. Replacing negative self-talk with healthier alternatives is the process you need to go through.

But think of the rewards…

Not just to think, but know in your heart that you do deserve something better in life. To have the confidence to take some risks, and go after what you want in life. That girl or guy, the dream job, the new house. To develop a skill or gain knowledge. To help others and get paid for it.

The life for you is out there, but you have to know you deserve it.

If you already have the dream life then it’s spending time appreciating it without the gnawing doubt inside that says you don’t deserve it.

It’s all possible, perhaps only possible, when you have the right foundation. When you no longer wage war upon yourself and instead make peace. Accepting that you’re fine the way you are and deserve all the love and joy that finds its way to you.

by Richard on May 20, 2018 Leave a Comment

There’s nothing wrong with you (probably) – Self worth and why it matters

One of the biggest causes of my social anxiety and depressed feelings is the thought that I’m somehow flawed in a fundamental way.

This low self-worth (which I think is one of the four horsemen) is the basis of my fear, anxiety and why I hold myself back.

So many of us are afraid of anyone finding out about our hang-ups and problems, we never open up enough for others to really connect with us. As a consequence, all the connections we do make are shallow, transient and unfulfilling.

It’s no wonder for many life seems meaningless, difficult and lonely.

This sense of being flawed seems to be created by the culture we live in. We think modern society is tolerant but it can be remarkably punitive its own way.

It happens at school in our youth as bullying which continues into adulthood. Because of our society, our peers pitch values and aspirations so high our low self-worth becomes a part of who we are. We can see we’re not matching up, worry that we won’t, or work so hard trying.

Values like youth, wealth, beauty, gregariousness, outgoing, worldly, experienced, sexy, knowledgeable, upbeat, successful, innocent, wise etc.

The stigma of mental illness runs into the medical profession. Our problems are seen a less important because it’s all ‘just in our head’.

When we are diagnosed with an illness like heart disease we know it’s to do partly with diet and biology, which we know we can influence.

But when it comes to a diagnosis of depression or anxiety it’s different. We feel it’s a label of something permanent, a fixture. I am socially anxious.

So getting medical help can be a double-edged sword. Such a diagnosis can get us the support we need, but it reinforces our sense of being flawed, weak and unworthy.

I didn’t take the medical route. I’ve never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression. I sometimes think that was a mistake, but now I see its benefits.

Feeling flawed is hard to overcome. It’s based on the idea of a fixed ‘self’ within us. Our identity, the part that doesn’t change. Yet more research shows that concept to be flawed. Buddhism also rejects the idea of a fixed self.

Once you accept that and believe it, you realise the anxiety is transitory. Or it’s but a part of you, not the whole.

Our sense of self is such an important aspect of our existence. Our identity is how we perceive the world and our role in it. We all want to feel as though we add something to this world, our friends.
We define our worth according to the contribution we make. To be told it’s nothing, worthless, is to be rejected by society as a whole. There is no place for us.

Being so alone means what’s life not worth living for if I have no worth! It shows how our emotions and beliefs can undermine our existence if we let them.

The sense of our own goodness and value is the basis for why we do many things. Without it, we can become close to the precipice of ending it all. Denying the world our unique insight and our contribution to the world. The part where we make a difference

It’s all about shame, a very toxic emotion. To be free of it is to take a big step towards valuing ourselves regardless of whether we mess up or not. That to me is one way out of this hole. Rejecting this notion of being flawed.

There’s nothing wrong with you, nothing that can’t be changed. Mental illness included. Just because your ill doesn’t mean you have no worth.

To see that no matter how screwed up our past is we can change and put something worthwhile out into the world.

Our past doesn’t define us, it feels like we can’t change. But this is yet another illusion. These illusions, the disempowering beliefs are what we need to let go of.
You can help someone to tomorrow, with a kind word, a web link, advice compassion or just being there.

So stop thinking that there something fundamentally wrong with you, there isn’t. It’s a trick your mind is playing on you.