Am I anxious just because I’m made this way or is it because I learned to be this way? (at least in part)
Whilst some of us are predisposed towards anxiety (Sensitive types are like Orchids) I can’t help feel that in some way I learned to be anxious. I feel that for many chronic worriers, we worry because it a behaviour we have learned so well, and have practiced so much we go to it because it automatic, i.e. a habit.
We get into a groove of behaving and thinking in certain ways. We get into a scenario, in my case, up and coming social situations, and I learned to be anxious in those moments (anticipatory anxiety). Like any habit, we follow the same behaviour each time the situation arises.
Problems are mental chew toys, and the future has many of them. We ruminate on them, ‘chew the cud’ because it’s a habit we have picked up. It gives our minds something to do but doesn’t help a lot.
We engage our minds because that’s the behaviour we think will do us most good. Then the more you think the more you want to think, becoming almost like an addiction.
Anxiety or thinking is my default and thinking negatively is but a short step away. But that doesn’t mean such a habit can’t be changed.
It’s why I like Buddhism because to be mindful is to stop ruminating and pay attention. To turn our mind away from ideas and towards the senses, body sensations, a common one is our breath. Making this a habit as an alternative to worrying is why it’s recommended for anxiety sufferers.
It doesn’t have to be mindfulness and meditation, it could also be reaching out to talk with a best friend, taking in some art, or some form of exercise. A better alternative when we are stressed than just thinking negative thoughts.
If worry itself is partly a habit we can treat is as any other we want to change. We might have a disposition towards anxiety and thought. But our habits make a difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of anxiety. Anxiety itself is not a flaw.
We can reduce our anxiety by avoiding the automatic leap towards thought when we face a problem.
I’m not going to go into depth here about habit change as it’s a whole topic itself. But by thinking of anxiety as a habit we get to feel a little more empowered to change it towards something healthier for us. Feel less ashamed for having a bad habit.
Looking back on my journey of anxiety I can see I changed my thinking habit with alternatives. With writing, art, yoga, socialising and exercise. Anxiety is like a lifestyle, to be less anxious we need to change that lifestyle.
The very friends we need are the one who will save us from our own nightmares.
Maybe it’s not anxiety that’s the habit, but the running. I read somewhere that we don’t run because we’re afraid, we’re afraid because we run.
Our fears remain fears because we refuse to face them and seek an understanding of them. As such we never learn the truth about them if we keep running away.
Avoidance became a habit for me and for a long time I never challenge my perceptions therefor my habits. That’s the worst thing loneliness does to people.
We become so afraid to face others we end up in a little bubble of our own. In such a bubble our fear grow stronger with no reality or facts to challenge or shattered them. Such isolation lets us live in a fantasy realm bearing little resemblance to the real world. The fact is people are far more compassion and forgiving than we imagine.
When alone our perceptions become distorted. We tend to imagine the worst, a spiraling circle of fear, low self worth and delusion. Like Scrooge in the Christmas Carol when we are hurt by others we can turn away from the world.
Without reality to guide us our worldview becomes tainted, poisonous. Cynicism, pessimism lead to bitterness, regret, anger. Which only keeps people away so perpetuating the cycle of suffering. Or Samsara in Buddhism.
Fear and hurt create their own self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel we run towards rumination and way from reality because we have the habit to do so.
So we end up more in our heads with all the demons they conjure up. Despair, shame, guilt, self-pity, helplessness. The Four Horseman of the Modern Apocalypse as I call them.
Because we don’t test our ideas or beliefs in the real world our nightmares and fears have life of their own. Away from the daylight of the world in the painful reality we become trapped in.
Our habitual instinct to turn inwards is not a bad one to have, especially for an artist. But it comes with risk. Turning inwards divorces us from the knowledge that our suffering is based upon falsehoods.
To break the illusions, and ease our suffering we need to reduce the habit of running away and turning inwards towards when something upsetting happens. Instead, we need to adopt a different habit, one that faces the fear and helps us cope with the feelings we have.
The practice of mindfulness is a way of breaking the habit of running away from our fears and towards thought. Just being with the feelings in time can help us understand them, and so they no longer have quite the same power over us.