Society Archives – Richard Collison

by Richard on June 16, 2019 Leave a Comment

The poisonous side of society

‘Don’t Compare Your Insides to Others’ Outsides.’

So much of our suffering is based upon the ideas we have in our heads, the values we hold to and the expectations we have.

I have often felt flawed, alone and unworthy. Estranged from the reality I have to face every day.

We can suffer because of other peoples behaviour towards us. Prejudice, persecution, discrimination.

In particular, we feel worthless and ashamed because we don’t think we’re good enough.

But where does this attitude come from? The thing is we are not born with such ideas, we pick them up from those around us. They were given to us by the society and culture we grow up in.

A life in prison

‘….you are a slave Neo, like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you can not smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind’
Morpheus, The Matrix

Ever since you birth you have been trapped. The people around you, well meaning though they are have constructed this cage believing it was for your best interests. They did not know how it would one day limit you. It was made bit by bit over many years, before and through school even now others try to keep you in that cage.

Where did this cage come from, who constructed it, when was made?

You listened to them because they were adults. But you did not learn by yourself, you were trained. Trained by culture and society.

You learned not to get dirty or hurt yourself. So the pattern of avoidance became stronger. Each time you failed to challenge your beliefs they grew stronger.

Just do what we tell you to do and you will be fine, happy. Do well at school, get a steady job, work to get possessions and wealth and you will be happy for it.

Over the years playing it safe became a habit. You didn’t really think about it.

Now we come to the real problem. because you ended up in a place you don’t want to be. Or the future you see before you is not a rosy as you were told.

You are now confused and lost.

The problems of this world are myriad and far reaching, yet society creates these problems.

Being judged by others and their sometimes silent condemnation is what John Stuart Mill called the ‘Tyranny of the Majority’.

Society beyond the government has it’s own mandate to judge and police its inhabitants. This is the collective moral code of the people and it can be remarkably intolerant and punitive.

The worst part is that we take onboard their voices so they become our own. We start to punish ourselves with those same values.

The most insidious thing is we’re unaware it’s taking place and it becomes the habits you don’t even notice you follow.

In essence we feel we can’t fit into the box that society is trying to squeeze us into. So we blame ourselves or we blame others.

Yet who is the one at fault here?

Is it you, that doesn’t meet other people’s expectations. Or it the unreasonable expectations and values of society, friends, family and peers?

How much are we aware of these ideas?What harm are they doing to us?

My unhappiness was in part because I was ignorant of the role society played in how I think about myself.

It demonstrates just how much ignorance governs our lives when we are not aware of why we do what we do.

‘The most powerful forces in this world are the one we don’t even notice.’
Richard Collison

Our internal critique is a manifestation of what we’re told by others.

If you told your worthless enough times by people you look up to, you begin to believe it. If you fail repeatedly enough you feel powerless.

Our worldview, is spoonfed to us, our values, identity, aspirations.We are all products of our culture, we all live in a context.

Voluntary Sheep

This prison requires two moves.

On the one hand its the ideas foisted on you by society. You have been born into a particular time and place.

The second is that you uncritically accept them because it was constructed around you as you grew up. We choose to remain in this cage.

There is a part of us that wants others to make the decisions to take responsibility. Someone to take care of us. So we accept partly through choice, partly through ignorance the limitations placed upon us.

Mediocrity is safety. We want to be part of the herd.

All this create the prison of your mind, the ‘I can’t do this’, I’m no good at this’, its what keep you small.

It seems to be how so many of us think. It stops us thinking for ourselves and let others exploit us for their own ends.

We want to be sheep because, to be different is to feel separate, alone, vulnerable.

Being an individual means taking responsibility, and that’s tough. Fighting back also seems like such hard work.

So we sleepwalk through society just doing as we’re told because it’s easier, safer.

Worst of all we feel we deserved it, because we feel worthless.

Becoming yourself / Breaking Free

‘Waking up to who you are required letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.’ – Alan Watts

I learned that I needed a more critical attitude towards the world around me and the messages it sends.

I found my strength, my sovereignty by protecting myself better against the toxic influences that society injects us with.

I’m not going to go into detail about what those poisons are, there are so many and it’s not the point of this post. But by way of examples, here’s three.

Some examples include…

-The talkative ideal, where extroverts are considered to be better at relationships (personal, professional) because they talk a lot more.
-Capitalism and the consumer society that tells us happiness is to be found by accumulating possessions, and wealth.
-Another is perfectionism. Having the ideal body, the ideal home, the ideal life that we strive to live up to.

I came to see that I was a fool to believe what I had been told, what I thought.

It all begins with awareness.

Awareness

The first step, being aware that your unhappiness and is influenced by the world around you But also awareness helps us learn about ourselves.

It shows the studying culture is a useful exercise in liberating oneself from its negative influences. It also shows some introspection and self examination is necessary.

The most dangerous prisons are the ones you don’t know you’re and the values of culture so pervasive that you overlook them.

We were spoon fed these ideas as we grew up. This is one reason why personal growth is difficult. Because it’s a process of liberation. The casting aside of authorities.

Whether that be old habits, old ideas, parents, previous identity, surroundings and circumstances. Then accepting new forms, new ideas that will guide us and become who we are.

The roles we play have been defined before we are even born.

The world tries to squeeze us into definitions, pigeon hole us into types. In so doing it simplifies us.

The value of studying society is that it allows us to see these falsehoods and lies.

Once seen the illusions loose a lot of their power.

Without awareness, we can’t decide what’s best for us.

I learned to better protect myself from the falsehood, lies and negativity that in my youth I didn’t notice.

Responsibility and power

The next step is to take responsibility and power for yourself. Don’t play the victim or wallow in self-pity. Take action! There are things you can do.

It’s far too easy to blame others for our troubles, even if they might be reprehensible. But we do have power in our response. To make choices and decisions, who we hang out with, what we watch and how we behave.

No one else is responsible for how you live your life. I learned I need to step up and do something about my suffering.

Boundaries and critical thinking

All this shows the importance too of having good boundaries. That’s to filter the influences that affect us to only the good stuff gets in, but if that’s not possible to let go of the negative influences.

Boundaries are the separation between ourselves and the world like a cell has an outer wall. There’s an inside and an outside.

Without good boundaries, we become vulnerable to toxic influences from outside.

Good boundaries mean we don’t accept abuse from others or waste too much time of distractions and trivia.

We don’t take insults personally, nor do we loose our heads when then happen.

Part of good boundaries is in the critical analysis of ideas, and the skill of Discernment. Does an idea help or hinder us? Do our habits aid our health or lead to ill health?

Just like health, what food we eat impact on how healthy we are. The same must be true of ideas, thoughts, opinions of others.

Do they aid understanding? It means accepting the constructive criticism and ignoring the trolling.

What we consume creates our bodies, our minds and we need to pay special attention to what we let in.

It also includes what we let out, what we offer other, our opinions ideas, behaviour. We can cause others to harm by what we say. So choosing our word carefully, understand nuances in language and body language can help prevent us from being a toxic influence towards others.

Self compassion

To break free requires us to face the mistakes we have made. Our shame about our actions can poison us further.

So we need to come to terms with the fact that we can’t change what’s happened and stopping the war against ourselves. By attending to our pain with kindness we can accept our past and move on.

It’s about accepting reality, the truth. Letting go through forgiving ourselves of the mistakes we have made through our ignorance.

Self-compassion is an essential practice in moving on.

letting go

From my own journey, growth often seems more to do with leaving behind limiting ideas.

Letting go of those things that cause us pain. Harmful relationships, addictions, bad habits etc.

Questioning and letting go of the narrative we tell ourselves that were never good enough.

It’s one of my biggest successes to recognise these personal beliefs are false. But it’s still a struggle.

Letting go is the hardest thing you need to do, yet it’s the fastest way to growth and happiness.

Do the people around you accept you regardless, love you unconditionally? Do they want you to succeed, see you grow, let you be who you are without judgement?

If not then it may be time to find some new friends.

Ubermensch and balance

Friedrich Nietzsche’s idea of the Ubermensch embodies a lot that’s written here. An Ubermensch is someone who sees the system of values and rules society tries to foist upon them and rejects it. Instead, he breaks free and chooses to live a life according to his own code.

It’s a seductive idea, but impossible because we are still social creatures.So we are stuck with a society that tries to squeeze us to an acceptable shape.

‘So much of our suffering is trying to fit square pegs into round holes’

Society and the complex changing culture we live in both blesses us with knowledge, security and empathy. But it can also, keep us ignorant, ashamed, afraid.

It can stifle our growth, judge us unfairly and get us to act in ways that create our suffering. It can propel us to greater heights, but it also leads us astray or hold us back.

This is the paradox. We need people to help us, but those same people may try to stop us.

It’s finding a balance between you and society. Between who you want to be and who society wants you to be.

Although we’re not perfect, some of the blame can be laid at society’s door and the values and ideas that are passed on.

It’s not so much then as escaping society, but rather being the one who defines your place in it.

It’s not about rebelling for its own sake, but rebelling to find yourself. But it’s also going one step further and working to create a more tolerant society.

‘Anxiety is the worry we have in fitting in, depression, the possibility we never will.’

The solution is to forget trying to so hard to fit in. Discover what life means for yourself, rather than have a package deal handed to you. Your own values, passions, needs, this is what makes your life your own.

Be unashamedly who you are.

It’s like finding your niche, a player that’s part of a team and what position do you fit in?

Society can be a help and a hindrance, we need to find out which and be more choosy with what we accept and reject.

Ill finish with this classic Brazilian story,story I discovered.

The fisherman and the businessman
There was once a businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Brazilian village.
As he sat, he saw a Brazilian fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore having caught quite few big fish.
The businessman was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?”
The fisherman replied, “Oh, just a short while.”
“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.
“This is enough to feed my whole family,” the fisherman said.
The businessman then asked, “So, what do you do for the rest of the day?”
The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I join my buddies in the village for a drink — we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night.”
The businessman offered a suggestion to the fisherman.
“I am a PhD in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you should spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fish as possible. When you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. Soon you will be able to afford to buy more boats, set up your own company, your own production plant for canned food and distribution network. By then, you will have moved out of this village and to Sao Paulo, where you can set up HQ to manage your other branches.”
The fisherman continues, “And after that?”
The businessman laughs heartily, “After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, and you will be rich.”
The fisherman asks, “And after that?”
The businessman says, “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning, catch a few fish, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!”
The fisherman was puzzled, “Isn’t that what I am doing now?”

by Richard on July 18, 2017 Leave a Comment

Live! The passion and pain to be amazing

Sometime I wonder about myself. Why do I suffer so much for that pot of gold I imagine I will get when I succeed?

It’s not just me. Our society has become a slave to excellence.

We don’t simply want to succeed at a test, we want to crush it! It’s not enough to be mediocre, we have to be a runaway success.

To go viral, to spectacularly launch, to hit the ground running, success at the outset.

It’s not enough to be good looking now you have to be stunning. Success at school is not enough now you have to have straight A grades across the board.

I’m just as caught up by this idea as anyone. We’ve become obsessed with being above average in everything we do.

If we’re not then somehow we have failed at life. It’s the modern society we live in.

The New Rat Race

When did all this happen!!? When did we become so invested in being the best?

When was modestly successful no longer enough?

I’m not talking about success in terms of material or monetary wealth, or a position in a company. But with the new world order we are now chasing after fame and followers, as well as aptitudes and skills.

The rat race was and still is a metaphor to describe the desperate desire to become successful.

But the traditional image of suited office workers, the long commute, chasing promotions, and working long hours is fading.

Now it’s having an online presence ( Like youtube celebrity like PewDiePie, or a podcaster, a blogger. ), an internet business and location independent living (A global Nomad). We thought this new economy would be amazing. We could work from home or a tropical beach.

A post by the Guardian illustrates this. On Instagram it’s no longer enough to post up images of the food you eat.

Now you’re being judged on what you post up. So you now have to demonstrate that you’re eating amazing foods healthy foods. The standards are rising.

Take the examples of the woman who accidentally killed her boyfriend on youtube, or the Youtuber who poisoned herself by mistakenly eating agave. All for success, fame, and recognition.

A driving factor is the internet

Looking on Facebook we can see our friends holidays to the tropics, the windsurfing lessons, the new car and the designer labels.

It leaves us feeling envious.

So we chase, and we keep chasing, trying to keep up with anyone we see in the internet.

Celebrity culture is the same. It’s why we follow those in vogue, models, singers, or just people who are famous for being famous.

Celebrity is diversifying. There are so many platforms and ways to get successful, famous that were are now bombarded with them. Success can be found through a myriad of ways just as those who are successful.

Thanks to the internet success has never been so varied, so close, and yet so far away.

This desire to get better and better leaves us feeling ashamed when we don’t, guilty when we mess up, and afraid to even try. Working ourselves endlessly for that time in our lives when we can sit back, relax and enjoy the success we have.

But we miss out on being alive because our mind is always focused on the next rung on the ladder upwards.

The standards of success are now so high most of us will never reach it. Worse still all this effort in raising standard means even the level of average has increased.

The real culprit is social media and the internet. We can now compare ourselves to hundred if not thousands of other people, some we know well, most we don’t. Comparing ourselves on wealth, beauty, status, writing skills, artistic acumen, cooking ability even dietary habits and a hundred other ways.

This is chasing status. It’s no longer enough to do average, now we have to be amazing.

Even ideas like frugality and minimalism can bizarrely become objects of competition. (Yes, even doing better by having less can be a symbol of status.)

We seem to turn everything into a competitive sport. Even life itself has become a competition, where everybody is involved.

The Grass is Greener

The reason why is because although human nature hasn’t changed the world has. Our working habits reflect our own desires and technologie magnifies them.

It’s always something we don’t have, and our economy is set up to delivers on our desires, both good and sell destructive. Through the products and services offered and yes even down the goals were are supposed to aim for.

The Trap of Validation

We see work and success as a way of validating our own existence. Because we have bought into the values of our society which say that worldly success is what proves your worth. We didn’t have a choice, we’re taught how to be a person by the people around us. We imbibe the values of our society and culture.

Chasing after status, wealth, success, has long been a problem in the westernised world. But now with the internet and social media it’s gone up a level. It’s our fear of insignificance that we want more followers, more income, more possessions, more of everything. Cramming life with things to prove our life was meaningful and successful.

The Trap of Comparison

The other problem is our minds seek answers from the outside. We compare ourselves to others. We want to be be told or shown what is the right way to live.

In this way our increased awareness of other people’s lives through the internet, combined with our psychology to look towards others for guidance has created the perfect storm of striving.

We are not good enough until we are as successful as the people we know and the people we see in the media or online.

This is how the modern age creates anxiety and depression.

What can we do?

You can’t eliminate desire, so don’t’ even try. You will always want for something, but don’t let it get the better of you. Instead moderate your expectations and ambitions. Some things you will never be able to achieve or obtain. Remind yourself of what you already have. Learn to value the simple things and enjoy them more.

Look to answers from within. Stop chasing others and ask yourself what you want from life. What matters to you, what do you want your life to be like before you die. What does success look like to you? Be wary of the internet and social media. What problem do you want to fix, how do you want to help others?

Focus on the process. Yes chase and strive, but see that it is the struggle that’s important.. The work can be difficult but you can still look back afterwards and realise you did have fun doing it. Death is the end result but in learning how to enjoy the time to have that’s important.

Learn to balance your life better. Work a little less. Spend more time of those activities that help you unwind and have fun. We can spend too much time working, and then one day look back with regret.

Our desire to be noticed, for meaning has left so many of us desperate for success, for some way to prove to others and to ourselves that we have lived a good life. Today it’s success online that has become the desire for most of us.

It’s left us overworked and out of touch with what we want that the happiness we seek seems further away than ever.

Success and being amazing has become like the punishment of Tantalus. The mythical Greek hero condemned to suffer an eternity of torment in Hades by standing in a pool of water below a low hanging fruit tree. When he would reach for the fruit the branches would rise from his grasp. Whenever he dipped to drink the water it would recede.
It’s temptation without fulfillment. A metaphor for desires that never cease and source of the word Tantalise.

Tantalus’ deprivation was his punishment, our deprivation is never to be without wants and desires, never satisfied with life.

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Image Credit : orla / 123RF Stock Photo

by Richard on August 21, 2016 Leave a Comment

The Malaise of Perfection and Idealism

Why do we suffer? What causes us to doubt and worry, to feel worthless?

There are probably many answers, but one I am certain of is the constant striving towards perfection.

It can apply to our work, physical appearance, our minds, and our lives in general.

We want the perfect body, the perfect soul, mind, house, partner, job and more.

Like many, I have doubts that I will ever be good enough. As a self-made man, a partner, lover, friend, meetup host, etc.

We think that if we get the right job, the right partner, find our purpose, then happiness and success will follow. We want a life that looks good on Facebook, something that others will be impressed by.

It’s as if we think there’s this ‘hole in the universe’ that’s just right for us, and everything will be better once we find it and slot ourselves into it.

But this just leads to the desperate grasping and striving to fit ourselves into that hole.

We are afraid of the uncertainty we face, anxious, about our chances, and we get angry or disillusioned when things don’t work out.

So we choose power, and status and wealth as the aim in an effort to feel safe, yet that’s no guarantee.

Striving for the Ideal is an interesting but hopelessly problematic way to think about our relationship to the world. It leads to a lot of suffering.

Ego centric

It also comes across as self-centred when we think our lives, the cosmos should conform to our ideas.

It suggests the cosmos is in some way designed for us. A modern version of the geocentric notion that the universe revolves around the earth.

Also, it’s based far too much on a sense of entitlement. That somehow we deserve success and fulfilment and the cosmos should provide it.

Where does this perfection idea come from?

Despite our claims to be compassionate and tolerant, it’s in many ways a punitive society we live in.

Undesirables, fringe groups, those with mental illness, LGBT, Goths, immigrants, singles are looked down upon, discriminated against, even persecuted.

It always starts with moralizing, and normative ideas, which leads to and judging, shaming, and prejudice.

The moral judgements and values of society. Parents, peers, siblings, the media, they all shaped the box we are expected to fit into.

Sexual orientation and identity, religious affiliation or (lack of it), wealth & status, beauty, Age, introversion, sex, marital status, ethnicity have all been used as the basis of such behaviour.

This this the basis of our suffering. Not living up to an established standard. It explains why life seems to feel like a desparate hustle for worthiness.

Eastern Viewpoint

By contrast, the far east has a different outlook on the world. Ideas from Buddhism and Taoism understand that the cosmos is not about flawless perfection.

One manifestation is the idea of Wabi-sabi.

This is an artistic, aesthetic appreciation of the imperfect. Where western art is about the flawless beauty of the gods and heroes, like Michaelangelo’s David. Wabi-sabi takes appreciation of a cup or a vase that has been damaged and cracked.

Such imperfection is a reminder that the world is not perfect, that things break and crumble, beauty fades and people die.

To live well in their eyes is to appreciate life with all it’s transient and imperfect nature. To live in the moments we have.

The West, by contrast, has us chasing perfection, and ideal. Our lives have become that frantic chase.

Social Anxiety

Take one example I’m familiar with, In Social Anxiety. It’s the fear of not meeting a social standard.

The fear of failure, or being judged harshly. The fear of not matching up.

Our mind goes into overdrive about what might happen or tries to find a way to make ourselves acceptable.

We are anxious because we have impossible ideas about social adeptness.

Also being a good parent, good friend, good partner, leader and more.

We appear to have an inordinate need to be seen in a favourable light by others. Letting them down, upsetting them, reflects badly upon ourselves.

Anxiety it seems the effort our minds take in trying we are good enough, or the worry that we are not.

Efficiency example

It’s not just impossible goals that are the problem, but it’s also impossibly idealised methods and routes we take to get there.

We think we have to take the straightest, easiest, linear route to the end result.

With all the choices today it’s now become even more difficult to decide what choice to make, and whether or not it’s the best choice.

Doubts will linger about whether we made the right choice, and regrets may form when we later realise we made the wrong one.

The need for things to go smoothly results in the doubts we have when we find ourselves struggling. We doubt our capacity, the choices we made, and our suitability for the task we have set ourselves.

The messy world we live in

Here are a few thoughts on what to-do about that nagging voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough.

The struggle is the path

We don’t realise that struggle, randomness and doubt are part of the process that’s necessary to achieve our goals. Anything that’s worth being built must set itself against the desire for things to remain the same. So a conflict is inevitable.

If we are to create change in the world that lasts we ourselves must change, and that take a lot of courage and because changes hurts, change means giving up on things we think are important.

The struggle, the mistakes are the evidence that you are trying to change. So we must find a way to come to terms with that and keep moving.

World in Flux

What we don’t seem to notice is that the world is constantly changing.

It’s not just changing values, societies and technology, which are visible.

There’s also the invisible changes. You are changing over time, your body but also your mind. Priorities change, wisdom develops, experiences gain, memories list our rewritten.

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man’ – Heraclitus

The idea of perfection requires a world that remains static.

In such a changing world perfection just becomes an idea inside our heads. One that seem to torment us daily.

Subjective judgements

The next obvious problem is, ‘who get to decide what’s perfect?’

We all have ideas about what perfect is but as sociologists and anthropologists point out these ideas are at least to some degree subjective.

It depends on the issue.

Science has given us the ideal waist to hip ratio for women’s attractiveness. But a woman’s attractiveness is not defined just by a metric.

What makes a great piece of art? What’s counts as a perfect friend, a business, partner, or conversation?

No-one seems to know, yet we all have an opinion.

Wake up

‘Stop trying to be the square peg fitting into the round hole’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

It’s time to wake up.

The universe doesn’t have this place marked out for us. The universe is indifferent to our existence. We seem to have become full of our own bloated self-importance when we think that we deserve success, happiness.

Circumstances are changing, the world is in flux. So there can’t be this perfect place, perfect job, partner, or life waiting for us.

We need to get over ourselves and our own elevated self importance.

‘Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first’ – Mark Twain

A Life of choices

‘We don’t find our purpose, our place, we make it’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

Instead of the ideal goal, the ideal path, think of it as creating your life through the choices and decisions you make.

Entrepreneurship, creating art, starting a business, the difference you make in other people’s lives.

Just remember success isn’t out there waiting for you, it’s something you have to create.

Happiness is not a destination; it’s the journey. Purpose is not the destination either, it’s the direction you take.

What’s important is the course you set yourself upon, the work you do to find what you want, and need.

Conclusion

The desire for perfection, both in ourselves and the world is setting ourselves up to fail and to suffer.

Perfectionism is so much a part of our lives, and it manifests most notably as the anxiety and depression we suffer from. The worry that we can’t match up to the ideal way, and the despair we feel when we know we don’t

It comes down to a mismatch between our desires and expectations for a comfortable, successful, happy life, and the reality that neither our existence nor the cosmos are neither perfect and simple.

Forget notions of perfection and embrace mystery and uncertainty.

‘We are not simple shapes in a simple world, but a complex web meshed into a more complex world’ – Richard Collison (Click to Tweet)

The idealism we see in ourselves is a reflection of the idealism society.

It’s not that we shouldn’t try to create a better world. We need to remember that perfection is not attainable, and shrug of the inadequacy we feel when we don’t match up.

There comes a point where you realise that you no longer want to try and live up to an impossible ideal. You see that the idea itself didn’t come from you but from the society.

Life is too short to try and live up to other people’s expectations.

When you see that then you start living your own life.

We need to change our society and culture. More acceptance and tolerance. That accounts for the reality of a complex and changing world. With set of values we can all get behind, and allow individuals to live without fear of persecution.

Another lesson here is our attitudes towards others. We should not be so hard on others; quick to judge them. Otherwise, we become a source of anxiety and suffering in others.

If you have any thoughts on your struggle to be perfect, please let me know in the comments section, I would like to hear them.

Image Credit: joingate / 123RF Stock Photo

by Richard on May 29, 2014 Leave a Comment

Trying to fit in? Don’t forget, you are not divisible

You want to say something.

You want to connect to these people.

But there it is again. That doubt and fear that is trying to stop you.

Will I say something stupid?

What if I choke, stammer or mumble my speech?

Will they think I am odd, a freak, weirdo?

I have had moments where I said or did the wrong thing and felt mortified afterwards because of the reaction I had, or might have.

Social anxiety is the fear of being embarrassed or shamed in front of others. We are so afraid of what others will think of us if they see the mistakes and flaws we have. Our response to this is to try and conceal them. We suffer so much by trying to fit in and be liked by others.

I came across this image on the web. It’s a broad guide to the structure of the brain.

The Neocortex, which we associate with thinking.
the Limbic area, which governs our emotions.
and the primitive brain stem, which control basic functions of life like breathing.

Once I saw this I understood, it crystallised advice I have heard for years.

We are supposed to think, feel and have desires. Our brain/bodies are designed that way.

I have often thought that the problem with anxiety and depression is not just the feeling, but the shame for having those feelings.

Imperfections or not?

We seem to have the idea that the only way to be accepted by others is to be without flaws, differences or mistakes.

I remember in psychology there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about something you have done, but Shame is about who you are.

I feel there is so much about our society, that tries to make us feel ashamed. We are quick to make judgements. Yet we know we all can make mistakes.

Religion has told many of us that we are damned. That our sexuality, anger, jealousy, fear, greed, gluttony, lust are things we should not have, because they are not divine, pure.

I despise this sort of intolerance that questions and judges people because they are different, even though some of the time we all can have those thoughts.

This is because of the perfectionist ideal. Thinking we should never make mistakes, or say something foolish or never hurt others, and not to feel bad when we do.

But these feelings are only just the beginning.

The splitting of the self

Feeling ashamed about of ourselves leads us to try and disown those part we do not like.

The way it happens is we label everything around us including ourselves. Right/wrong, good/bad. Sorting out reality into piles. Over here we have the ‘good stuff’, which we want to keep, and over there the ‘bad stuff’ we want to get rid off.

But we can’t remove our flaws (or what we perceive as flaws). So instead we hide them, and live in fear of people seeing them.

We also believe that we accurately see the world as it really is. We assume that what we believe about the world, is what is actually the case. We jump to conclusions about other people and ourselves based on appearance and behaviour, without considering possible alternatives.

What is more we tend to downplay or even disown our successes, as well as the skills and traits that lead to them. We don’t want to come across as arrogant. By not accepting success or failure what do you have left? Nothing, you feel nothing, empty.

The Dark side

I must also have a dark side if I am to be whole. – C.G. Jung

If I were to remove your fears, your doubts, your worries would you still be you?

To be complete we must honour all our our parts, accept and acknowledge they exist, even those parts we wish we did not have.

Jealousy and envy of another, our capacity for cruelty, our desire to hurt others. All these things are within us. It doesn’t mean we should excuse bad behaviour, but neither does it mean we should condemn a person for making a mistake.

We are part man, part animal. Noble and depraved. That is our existence. Like those mythical creature the Centaurs, part man, part horse.

I see it now, that his is what I have been doing wrong for so long. It feels like a weight has been lifted, because now I can accept that I will make mistakes, and not always succeed.

Accept all that you are, Accept others as they are.

Forgive them as you should forgive yourself.

All this reminded me of the story by Chuang Tse.

The Man Who Was Scared of his Shadow

There was a man who was frightened at his shadow and disliked to see his footsteps, so that he ran to escape from them. But the more frequently he lifted his feet, the more numerous his footprints were; and however fast he ran, his shadow did not leave him.

He thought he was going too slow, and ran on with all his speed without stopping, till his strength was exhausted and he died. He did not know that, if he had stayed in a shady place, his shadow would have disappeared, and that if he had remained still, he would have lost his footprints.

We spend so much tome running away like he did form our flaws.

You are Indivisible

In order to find happiness we need to reclaim ownership over all the parts that belong to us. All the unpleasant feelings you can think of. Anger, doubt, fear, pain, desire, and the rest. That is how you are supposed to be.

It means no longer ignoring the parts you do not like or want, and not be ashamed of what you feel or think. So stop categorising and judging yourself. To love all the parts of you, all the passion desires and thoughts. To deny these parts is like a lion denying it has claws, or a fish its gills.

It also makes me wonder. Perhaps it’s the language and attitudes we use that are really the problem, Is a flaw really a flaw, or just and unused skill? So why should we expect everyone to be good all the time, every time, at everything, to fit in. That is the curse of perfectionism.

Gather up those pieces of yourself you think you would be better of without, and look at them without fear or shame, understand them, accept them, own them.

Our happiness is at stake here and attempting the impossible by performing surgery on our own mind/brain is a waste of time. So stop trying to simplify yourself in order to fit into someone else’s pigeonhole.

Its about being a fully integrated human being.

You are not divisible, so stop carving yourself up.